Not a fan of Summer, please don't stone me

After avoiding the scale for 6 weeks, I stepped on this morning in my groggy stupor and woke Steve up with my angry scream. 158 blinked at me in bright red.

My pants have been tight. I’ve been feeling bloated. Most of my summer wear consists of loose t-shirts and sporty, yet forgiving pedal pushers (if that’s what they’re still called) Today I can’t even suck in my tummy I feel that bloated.

I haven’t been eating my bran buds. Weekends I’ve been drinking like a fish and allowing my life-style diet to go out the window, all because its summer and I feel entitled to binge if I want to.

I’ve always found summer a difficult time to stick to my diet. I’m not terribly fond of the heat unless I’m at the lake. It’s too hot to walk during the day, and nights are so warm it’s quite hard to get a good nights sleep. You would think the heat would stop me from over eating, but that’s just not the case. I eat because I’m exhausted, over-heated and grumpy. Food makes me feel better.

Summer is also the booze months for me. BBQ, weddings, camping and birthday parties all seem to abound during summer with alcohol often flowing freely. To stay social, of course I drink too.

I’m ready for summer to be over and school to start. I’m looking forward to an end to social engagements popping up left right and center. I just don’t have the will power to say no.

You’ll be seeing me around more often now I imagine. I do need the accountability of this blog more than it needs me!

Yes, I have been scarce around these parts

Hello Fellow bloggers!

I have been terribly scarce on this blog of late and I apologize. I've had a lot on my mind and a busy summer.

I've also been spending more time on my other blog, www.idontcaretoomuchformoney.blogspot.com. So you want to see what I've been up too, check me out there!

Hope your all having a fabulous summer :)

Feeling Bloated

The summer has officially hit ‘round these parts. Our backyard was 31 degrees yesterday afternoon and 20 degrees this morning at 6:30. I wish I loved it, but to be terribly honest I’m one of those people who loves spring and fall and could just as well live without the scorching summer. Please don’t stone me.

I’ve been trying to figure out lately why I feel so terribly bloated after lunch everyday. Some days it gets so bad, I can’t suck in my stomach. Just for the record, I am not constipated. I don’t eat a big lunch, just 1 sandwich thin with a little lunch meat, cucumber, cheese and some baby carrots. Today I’m going to try just eating the sandwich and eating the carrots later in the afternoon. Does anyone else experience the same problem?

More Drama

Weight 149.8

I’ve been a little scarce round these parts but you are not abandoned fellow weight watchers. I have been plagued the last week with work drama directly involving Steve and me, which has sucked me dry of all mental and emotional energy. My work life is still a bit of a mess but Steve and I are ironing our side of things out, so things are finally quieting down.

Due to my tooth extraction and personal drama, I haven’t been eating well but I also haven’t been eating much. This has certainly saved me from gaining, and I actually weighed in 1.5 pounds less than last week. I spent 4 days in bed watching movies and eating oatmeal, pudding, ice cream and mashed potatoes!! How did I get this lucky?

Tonight I have physio, which I’m none to excited about, but I’ve certainly noticed a difference in my RSI. I’ve got an 8 KM walk planned for tomorrow with an old friend, getting in good exercise and some girly time in! Afterwards we should be having some friends over for drinks. I don’t expect any major food dilemma’s this weekend.

My goals this week are:

Blog at least 2 times
Track my Point’s everyday
Finish organizing/de-cluttering

Quick question to y’all: What are your horror stories and/or pleasant encounters with dating people you work with?

Chocolate Cake, You are not my friend. Not now, not ever.

Weight 151.8

Today, one of the ladies in the office was passing out donuts and I said No thank you. I was quite proud of myself. I actually viewed this as an accomplishment. Then the new girl brought in home made chocolate cake and I couldn’t say no. I just had to try a teeny piece and that said teeny piece turned into 3 teeny pieces. Silly me, I know better.

I have my weigh in tonight. Days like this I am happy for the motivation and listening to my leader talk. A little Weight Watcher brain wash is exactly what I need right now, let me tell you. I’m feeling tubby and frumpy again, but I know that’s because my TOM is due in a couple days.

I’m a little concerned about Friday. I’m getting my last 2 wisdom teeth yanked from my mouth, which means I’ll be eating pudding for 3-4 days. The all pudding diet is never good for weight loss for some strange reason. Any one know any tricks to staying pull on a liquid diet? At this point, I’m pretty open to advice!

And here’s me today:

Food that escaped the garbage

I am pleased to announce that my purge is complete. I have thrown out every morsel of food that could trigger a binge. I feel relieved; almost like that food was haunting me.

Food that I decided to keep was:

Mini Freezies – 10 calories a Pop. Fabulous in the summer when you have a sweet tooth.

100 Calorie Mint Chocolate Cadbury Bars – 2 points and a life savor when it’s TOM

VitaMuffin 100 Calorie Muffin Tops – 1 point and worth every bite. I can never eat more then one anyway.



I am a little in love with the Smart Ones Desserts. I like the Strawberry Shortcake the most but the Double Fudge Cake is pretty damn good. I’ve only been able to find the Strawberry Shortcake at Superstore, so if anyone has seen it elsewhere let me know.



I made a very healthy stir fry last night with my own sauce made from scratch over brown rice. Doesn’t it look tasty? I probably shouldn’t have added the cashews, but I decided to live a little. Without the cashews it’s 8 points.

I feel excellent today. I took a walk at lunch and I’ve been drinking my water. I am concentrating on tracking and making healthy choices, more so then staying within my points range. I only get a measly 21, which leaves me really hungry unless I eat pounds and pounds of veggies.

My question to y’all is how do you stay full on minimal points?

My name is Cass, and I'm a Food Addict

Weight 152.6

I go through the same pattern over and over again. I get close to 160, panic and drop back down to 148, then binge eat until I get up to 160 again and the cycle continues. I’m starting the binge cycle again and I don’t know how to stop. Every where I look I see forbidden food, that in my mind I believe I deserve. The deserving turns into bingeing because I can’t control myself.

I’d like to blame my bingeing on stress or just juggling a lot in my life but in my heart I know it’s none of those things. I’ve been much more stressed and juggled much more and managed to eat less. Honestly, I am a food addict and like any good addict knows, having the source of the addiction in the house, needs to stop. I clearly cannot control myself after work.

Last night I threw away all the trigger foods in my pantry and fridge. This included the home made double chocolate chip cookies a lady at the office made and the cool ranch Doritos. How did these sneak into my house anyway, I should know better. If I’m going to pig out, I want it to be on grapes or apples.

I wasn’t walking at lunch like I always do for over a month. I got myself out there Monday Tuesday and today so far and will continue for the rest of the week. I’m not going to push myself too hard with activity or I’ll just quit.

I started Physio last week for my RSI in my fore arm and wish I had started it sooner. The RSI was getting so bad; my fingers were going numb at night. Already the pain is greatly reduced, to which I am greatly relieved. I’ve been very lazy with cooking because even chopping veggies hurts my arm.

My bingeing aside, I still feel pretty good about myself. I went to a party on Saturday and felt thin and attractive, which I would never have felt a couple years ago. Here’s a picture of me at the party:

Beautiful

This post on Operationbeautiful.com made my day. That is all.

Make Fiber your Friend!

Weight 148.2


RescuingLisa reminded me yesterday how much I love my Bran Buds. I eat about half a cup of these crunchy little pellets everyday, either on top of my cereal or mixed in with some yogurt. Now I don’t want to lie to you, they aren’t very yummy. They are down right tasteless and plain. But the wonderful thing about Bran Buds is the Fiber. Fiber is your friend, or it should be.

Nutritional Information per 1/3 cup (28 g)

Fat 1g
Cholesterol 0g
Sodium 200mg
Potassium 280mg
Carbohydrate 22g
Fiber 11g (this is 44% of your daily requirement, 25g being ideal)
Protein 3g

Now why should fiber by your friend you might ask? There have been many studies conducted on the benefits of fiber, but the one I am most concerned with is what fiber does for my weight loss efforts. This article here mentions that although increased fiber in your diet will not directly make you lose weight, it will a) keep you full longer and b) regulate your blood sugar levels.

This is important because as we are on a calorie reduced diet, we want to be eating foods that will prolong that feeling of fullness for as long as possible. I know it keeps me from reaching for the box of donuts at the reception desk in the morning. Now regulating our blood sugar levels is also extremely important because this keeps our cravings for sugar at bay. When we eat a chocolate bar for example, our blood sugar spikes, then drops very rapidly. Our body then craves another spike. Fiber keeps our blood sugar levels from falling or spiking.

In all honesty though, I don’t eat Bran Buds for the above reasons. I eat them because we have chronic constipation in our family and nothing has worked like my Buds have worked. This article here says a healthy colon should weigh 4 pounds, but some autopsies have revealed swollen colons weighing 40 pounds due to build up of waste. By eating over 25 g of fiber a day, I am removing harmful waste from my colon and intestines and keeping build up to a minimum, which means I keep that 36 pounds of poop from making a home in my body.

Do your body a favor, eat some fiber. This doesn’t mean you have to eat Bran Buds. Fruits and veggies pack a lot of fiber too, so don’t neglect them either.

My Food today:

Maple & Brown sugar Weight Control Oatmeal – 3 points + 6g of Fiber
1/3 cup Bran Buds – 1 point + 11g of Fiber
1/3 cup skim milk – 1 point
Sandwich thin – 1 point + 5g of Fiber
Fat-Free sliced Turkey – 2 points
Lite-May 1 tsp – 1 point
Jarlsberg Cheese – 4 points
½ cup Cucumber – 0 points
Fiber 1 Oats and Chocolate – 2 points + 5g of Fiber
1 apple medium – 1 point + 4g of fiber
BBQ Chicken breast – 4 points
BBQ Sauce – 2 points
Yukon nugget potatoes 4 – 4 points + 3g of Fiber
Mixed Veggies ¾ cup – 1 point + 2g of Fiber

Total: 27 points and 36g of Fiber!!

New Haircut!!

I’m still holding steady at about 148 pounds. I’m debating on whether or not I want to lock in at this weight and go for my lifetime membership at Weight Watchers. I’ve certainly lost my drive to drop anymore weight, but I would like to continue to go to meetings and receive all the wonderful advice my leader has to offer.

I ate way more than I had planned this weekend. Steve and I had a True Blood marathon, complete with popcorn and licorice. It was so much fun! True Blood is such a wicked series.

Saturday Steve locked his keys in the car, poor guy. This stressed him out to no end, so we went for a greasy breakfast. All hail Bon’s and their $2.95 breakfast special. Watched The Road in the evening which was quite disturbing, a movie about a Father and Son trying to survive the end of the world amidst cannibals and thieves. Terribly sad.

I spent most of Sunday taking apart our old bedframe, organizing furniture and going through our closets. I also went shopping with my best friend in the whole wide world at Ikea and Home outfitters. We had a blast, but consumed half a large package of peanut M&M’s. Whoops.

Food Today:

Bran Buds, Fruit and Yogurt Special K with Strawberries and Soy (6 points)
2 Hardboiled eggs (4 points)
Lite Mayo (1 point)
Orowheat Sandwich thin (1 point)
Yogurt (1 point)
Apple (1 point)
Carrots (1 point)
Fiber one bar (2 points)
Turkey Meat balls w/ sauce (6 points)
Rice ½ cup (2 points)
Veggies (1 point)

Total: 28 points not too shabby!

Oh and my new haircut! I love it! Looks even better curly!

Cookie Monster

I've been letting cookies in the house again. It all started with these cute little Girl Guides who outsmarted me out of $4. I had the best of intentions. I was going to bring the cookies to work and leave them at the reception desk. Around 6 o'clock, they started whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Promising just one little cookie was all I needed too subdue my feelings of cookie deprivation. So I ate one. To make it even I ate one Blondie, one chocolate. I remembered how when I was a child, my Oma would give me Girl Guide cookies with tea. I missed my Oma dearly all of a sudden, so I brewed a pot of tea.



After consuming half the package of cookies with my Pot O' Tea, I got to thinking. Who brings in half a box of Girl Guide cookies? That just looks tacky. I had a bit of a stomach ache at this point, but I still rationalized keeping the cookies close at hand. I walked into the bathroom, lifted my shirt and stared at my muffin top in the mirror. Clearly, I did not need anymore cookies. The cats wandered into the bathroom behind me, and also starred up at my muffin top.

The cookies are now at the bottom of the trash can. Covered in used kitty litter. Just in case. No more whispering cookies.

Sore, oh so sore

Yesterday evening I went for what I learned was a 8 KM walk with an old friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years. If I'd known it was going to be a 8 KM walk, I just don't think I would have taken part, so it's probably best she never told me. Half way through I thought I was going to die. When I tried to get out of bed this morning, I thought about calling in sick, I was that sore. It wasn't my calf's, or my thighs but my hips of all things. I feel like a little old lady!

Not much else to report. I still have a cold sore and it sucks. The last 2-3 weeks I haven't been able to sleep through the night, which is really starting to wear me out, not to mention hungry. I have a hair appointment tomorrow, and I am very excited to get a good deal of my hair lopped off and get some bangs. I want to get something like this:



I got 2 blog awards this week! The first is from this wonderful blogger. Check out her blog yo. Thank you Sylvia!



I also got a Beautiful Blogger Award from from Rescuing Lisa. Thank you so much Lisa that made my day more then you can imagine! The condition of the award is that I list 7 things you don't know about me and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers.



First - 7 things you don't know about me:

1. I sing in the shower. A lot.
2. I harbour an unnatural fear of zombies. Half my life revolves around how I will escape when an infection breaks out. All my friends know the codeword and the evacuation plan. And it's not if, it's when.
3. I have a diploma in Hotel Management. Took me 2 years to graduate. I worked in a hotel for a little over 2 weeks and quit.
4. I've been held up at gunpoint. It sucked.
5. I have 2 friends I've known since I was 10. They are probably plotting my death as I type.
6. I could not possibly live without my local library. I mean they give you books. FOR FREE!
7. I love to dance. I've been known to bust a move in our local grocery store on a busy Saturday, much to Steves dismay.

And on to my favorite Bloggers:

My friend M and her blog of things she likes
Michelle at the Garlic Chronicles
Lindsay at Healthy Stride
Amanda at Busting Through it
Amie at Running on Healthy
Cher at Love Actually
Flabby McGee at Flabby McGee



Oh and I ate a whole Kit Kat bar after lunch. Whoops.

Today:

Coffee with a splash of soy
Bran buds (1 point)
Special K with fruit and yogurt (1 point)
Soy (2 points)
Apple (1 point)
Salmon (3 points)
Lite Mayo (1 point)
Sandwich Thin (1 point)
Carrots (1 point)
Kit Kat (6 points)
Yogurt (1 point)
Home made chicken strips (5 points)
Baked Fries (4 points)
Mustard Dip (2 points)
Grapes (1 point)

Total: 30 points.

Again, I'm hurting for readers of my new blog I don't care too much for money, so if being frugal interests you, please take a look :)

Yes, that is a Cold Sore on my lip

Yes, I have a cold sore. It's big, it's red and I have nick named it Grossness Goo. If one more person in my office asks me about whats on my lip, I might actually have to bust a cap in someones arse! If any of you are the receievers of this wonderfully disgusting virus, you know that they just plain suck. They burn and ooze. I started my Lysine and Vitamin C regiment last night when I felt the tingle, but looks like it still reared its ugly head anyway. *sigh*

I didn't go for my walk at lunch today. I decided to have a lay down in the car as I didn't sleep a lot last night. I shoulda walked. Tomorrow, I promise.

I am still quite amazed I'm 148 pounds, seeing as I've been eating crapola the last 2-3 weeks. My mother thinks it's because no matter how much crap I eat, I still get in my Bran Buds and lots of fiber. Yah for Fiber, Fiber is your friend!

My food today:

Coffee with a splash of soy (I count no points on this as its literally a splash)
1 cup soy (2 points)
1/2 cup Special K Fruit and Yogurt (1 point)
1/3 cup Bran Buds (1 point)
1 All-Bran Chewy Bar EWWWW! (2 points)
2 Hardboiled Eggs (4 points
1 Tsp light mayo (1 point)
1 Sandwhich thin (1 point)
1/2 cup carrots (1 point)
1/2 cup yogurt (1 point)
1 apple (1 point)
Sushi (12 points)

Total: 27 points! Not 20 but thats ok, I just want to concentrate on tracking right now.



This brings me to the All-Bran Chewy Bars. These are honestly the worst fiber like ceral bar I have ever had. Its no chewy at all, it taste like cardboard and the sprinkling of chocolate chips on the top are just insulting. Save yourself $3 and STAY AWAY from the All-Bran Chewy Bars.

Last but not least, I started a new blog a little while ago called "I don't care too much for money." Documenting my journey as a starving student (starting school in September) I would love to have a couple followers so check me out!

Life? Where are you?

Weight: 148 (yesterday at 9 AM)

I've been lazy. Like really really lazy. I've stopped going for my 30 minute power walks at lunch. I've stopped walking for 30 minutes after work. I've eaten take out sushi 4 days in a row now and ate an entire row of rainbow chip cookies last night. Even now my boyfriend is washing the dishes I created while he was away because I'm to lazy to deal with them.

My doctor thinks I'm a little depressed. I'm showing what she says are the most common warning signs: sleeping more then 10 hours a night and still being tired, not washing nearly as often as normal, caring little about ones appearance, fear of leaving the house and well you get the picture. She offered me mediation and I think I snapped a nasty comment at her.

Do I feel depressed? No not really. I sure feel detached, but that's not the same thing. I've officially been accepted to college, and given my tuition deposit, meaning I'll be quitting my job of 4 years in August. Steve and I are working on being a more functional couple and I just sold my money pit of a car (aka Josephine the 2001 Light Green Beetle)

All of these changes have left me feeling like I am watching my life from the outside, almost like I have no power over whats going on. I also find that I don't really care. I don't care that the house is getting filthy, that I'm slightly out of touch with reality, that my laundry pile of clean and dirty now have caves that my cats are borrowing in.

So my gentle readers, when I went to my WW meeting and the lady asked me why there had been little change in my weight in the last month and a bit, I almost told her to *uck off. Terrible. I just mumbled that I didn't know. I do know, and I'm glad I told you all instead. I already feel better :)

Musings of a lonely Weight Watcher

Weight: 149 - I seem to be holding steady at this weight

Body Image: Wearing a very girl outfit and I like how it makes me look

Hair: I've been putting off dealing with my hair for over a month. No Iron, no curly, just ponytail. This disappoints me.

I read a lot of blogs in one day. They vary in topics from Healthy Eating, Frugality, Fitness, Body Image Acceptance and Finding Inner Happiness. I love reading how people feel about food, money, their bodies and their day to day lives. They seem to validate how I feel. Because sometimes, I just don't know how or what to feel. I like stealing peoples viewpoints and making them my own for a moment.

I'm constantly searching. Searching for the right diet, the perfect hair product, fashionable clothing and just the right man. I'm never happy with what I find. Which perpetuates the ongoing cycle. Now I wonder if with all the options available to me, if I'll ever be happy. How could anyone possibly know when they've found the absolutely best option for them? Our society drives us to always want better.

The reason I am wondering this is because I don't know when I'll have found my ideal weight. I am currently a little under 150 and frankly I feel like a fraud. I'm small enough to be considered a "normal" body size but big enough to still feel terribly fat. I'm a total in betweenie. When I drop my drawers, and look in the mirror I know I'm not slim. This is not what a slim body looks like. I should be ok with that shouldn't I?

I want so badly to find a balance between healthy eating and the occasional splurge. My entire day is dominated by food. When I get to eat, what I get to eat, how much I get to eat and where I get to eat. How can one person be so driven by food?

I want to learn to be happy just the way I am no matter the scale. I need to realize that being thin will not bring about eternal happiness and meeting a mark on the scale will not make Unicorns poop rainbows. Whether I am a size 6 or a size 10, I am still me. I know I will still be insecure, I will still feel fat, I will still wonder if everyone is looking at me and think my rolls are unsightly. So honestly, what does it matter? Are 10 pounds the difference between happy and unhappy? Skinny and fat?

Yee Gawds I spent WHAT?!

Alright so I am gearing up for College in September and after calculating my expenses, I realized how much money I spend on miscellaneous food. When I say Miscellaneous food, I mean food that is purchased everywhere but a grocery store. This scares me because a) I am suppose to be DIETING and b) because alot of these purchases I can't really remember! Which means, I am buying this food when I'm not hungry and when I'm bored. I chalk this up to society telling me I should be eating.

Moments I feel like I should be eating when I know I'm not hungry:

- grabbing a coffee at Starbucks (Damn perky Barista asks if I want a pastry and I almost ALWAYS say yes)

- staff meetings (open box of doughnuts in the middle of the table begging to be released into my waiting and hopeful mouth)

- meeting friends for drinks (turns into drinks and appys and then sometimes dinner, why oh why?)

- shopping (I ALWAYS end up buying snacks I don't REALLY want but I feel I deserve)

Not only does snacking whilst taking part in other activities become expensive, I never really enjoy what I ate and sometimes don't even remember. So I saved all the receipts from the last couple weeks (May 3 - Today) and I have spent a whopping $108.07 on miscellaneous food. That's $10.30 a day on food I shouldn't be eating in the first place!!! Here is the list:

$7.50 - Starbucks
$5.73 - Tim Horton's
$18.10 - Toro Sushi (I live ACROSS the street and what I couldn't go home and cook myself dinner? How lazy am I?)
$45.40 - Cactus Club (What was suppose to be just a couple glasses of wine turned into wine with Appys)
$6.92 - McDonald's (I don't even remember what I ate, but the receipt says I ate a Big Mac, Fries and a Diet Coke but I know it lies. I'm telling myself I had a salad)
$4.57 - Orange Julius (No doubt on a high calorie smoothie of some sort)
$7.74 - Starbucks
$12.11 - Sweet Factory (Gahhhhh not Candy again!!! Couldn't possibly have been me!)

This next week, I am really going to concentrate on only eating at home. Having an extra $100 in my wallet would be wonderful, and I know my waistline would appreciate it.

My question to all you bloggers is: Do you find yourself buying food (whether fast food or snacks) you know you shouldn't be eating but justify it in some way?

You've got Mail!

About a month ago, I emailed the infamous Bitch Cakes. She is the blogger who inspired me to blog about my battle of the bulge. Her blog is awesome, with lots of information on her journey, what she eats and the exercise she participates in. I find her ramblings very inspirational and she has a quirky sense of humor I can't help but love. Some of the pictures she's posted have been down right scandalous, and I admire her for it. One picture she posted, was her in a leopard print lingerie set that exposed most of her now svelte figure and it got me thinking about my very jiggly tummy.

So I sent her the following email:

Hey Bitchcakes!

Love your blog. AWE! SOME!

I myself have also lost +60 pounds but I have not been as active as you have. I noticed in some of your pictures that you don't seem to have any loose skin around your tummy. I was wondering when you lost the bulk of your weight if you did have loose skin and if being active helped tighten your skin.

I'm plagued with loose skin around my tummy and would love to be able to feel comfortable in a bikini.

Thank you for your answer in advance,

Cassandra

After one month of waiting (I know she gets flooded with mail) I got this email!

Cassandra-

I hope you forgive the lateness of this reply...

I assure you I DO suffer from this and I hate it. You don't see it in the photos because I am standing upright. If I bend over, it's there and it does bother me. Of course I wouldn't photograph myself from one of those angles, so you don't see it. We are in a similar boat with 60ish pounds lost and quite honestly, other than skin tightening surgery or self-acceptance, I don't think we have another choice.

Sorry I don't have better news for you. Thank you so much for reading though! It's always great to hear that someone enjoys my blog :)

Sheryl aka Bitch Cakes

So there you have it folks. I'm screwed. Self-acceptance it is then. Oh and check out her blog, she's just fabulous you know.

My personal Life is taking over my Life

Hair: Pony tail again. I'm a little stressed out OK?

Weight: funnily enough I've remained at 148.6 for the last 4 weeks now

Body Image: What this old thing?

I've been stressed lately. Stressed and I've not been sleeping terribly well. This paired with my struggle to complete all my outstanding requirements for admission to the CDA program at my local college and my home life in chaos leads me to eat. Luckily it has not yet reflected in my weekly weigh-ins, but I am beginning to think its only a matter of time! My tracking has reflected that I am eating on average 6 points more then I should be. It's not terrible, but will most certainly lead to a gain.

On a positive note, I got my walk in today at lunch, but I ate one of those mini bags of Doritos which was a whopping 5 points for a little itty-bitty bag. It was sooo tasty! I am still eating my delish Vitamuffins and my Bran Buds every morning which I believe is directly contributing to keeping off the extra weight by keeping me regular. Yah for being regular! I am still drinking quite a bit of water as well.



Today I came across this beautiful image on someone's blog. I became quite sad as I began to wonder if I would every feel anything close to what this image portrays. I've been married before, and I remember loving the man I was with, but could I say I loved him like this? You know, that feeling that nothing could part you? Not God, not the Devil himself. Now as I was thinking this my mothers voice popped into my head "My dear, one must be realistic. These days, there is no World War sending all the men to battle. A great High comes with a great Low. Don't be so silly."

I'm wondering if the reason I don't feel all these romantic gushy feelings for Steve, is because he and I have never been placed in a circumstance where we've been forced to part. He and I live together and work together. I see him everyday almost all day. Rarely do we go more then a couple hours without seeing one another. Could it be possible that we have no chance to appreciate each other? I don't know. But I would like to figure it out and soon before I lose my mind.

My question this week is: How do you know when your still in love, when the Rose Colored glasses have come off?

I love my family!

Hair: Lazily pulled into a pony.

Weight: I love my curvy body. We'll just guess and say 145. That would make me happy!

Body Image: I am what I think I am.

My parents have returned from the all their traveling adventures and are back home in Kelowna now. Both my Dad and Mom were in hospital when they were in Arizona which gave everyone quite the scare. I drove up to Westbank (just outside of Kelowna) to stay with them for 5 days on the weekend. I had a great time! I got to see my little niece and nephew, my grown up niece and my step sister. Of course I ate way to much and am terrified to step on the scale!!

We had some lovely meals. My mom cooked a wonderful steak dinner and my niece Andrea made homemade hamburgers with guacamole and salad. I wish I didn't feel guilty about all the food I ate, but that's my relationship with food. I can't just enjoy it, I need to worry how many points are in each mouth full, and usually eat it anyway. This means I didn't track, and I most certainly did not stay on program, but I am remembering that I had a lovely time. Here is a lovely group shot:



Don't you just love the little one's faces?

This week I am still trying very hard to focus on tracking and getting my 30 minute walks in. I feel all thrown off my normal routine because I took a couple days off work, and this always throws me for a loop. Work has been terribly slow, which certainly activates mindless eating. My home life is still all up in the air, but on a brighter note I got accepted into the Dental Program at my local College.

I cannot believe the hoops I have to jump through to complete my admission requirements. They have given me 30 days to get a Dental Exam, Physical Exam, Immunization Records, take CPR and First Aid, complete a Criminal Record Check and get a TB skin test. I'm pulling out my hair just thinking about it. I'm also plagued with this feeling that I could be making the wrong decision. I make pretty good money right now, probably what I'll start making as a Dental Assistant. Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I going to like it? What if I don't and I end up spending 20K on a program I hate and throw away the great job I have now?

If anyone still reads my blog, do you love what you do? Why do you love it and how much schooling did you take? Do you have any regrets?

TGIF!

"If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble." - my coworker Kelly trying to make me laugh, which she did.

Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments. I felt so much better after reading them all. Knowing that there are so many other people on a similar path makes it so much easier to stick with the program, dust off my big girl panties and sham the fuck on. Because I must. Wallowing in my own filthy pity gets me nowhere in a hurry. Coveting thy neighbors thinness will in fact, not make me thin.

I am happy to report I've had a very successful week. I've been very diligent with planning my meals and writing everything down. I have not been stepping on the scale and I have decided I will not weigh in this week at all. I do not want to become obsessed with the number on the scale. Instead of attending my meeting on Tuesday, I will be going in on Saturday morning (tomorrow) and asking them not to tell me my weigh in results. I don't want to get discouraged with a big gain and I don't want a loss to mean I can fall off the band wagon and get away with it.

My mission in the next month is to learn to love my body. I even thought about having a naked month but I do believe that would send my ex-boyfriend who is now my roommate the wrong message. I no longer want to dodge the mirror when I'm naked, but stare at my body adoringly and believe it. I refuse to live my life hating my curves, hiding stretch marks and excess skin. In celebration of my luscious and curvy frame, I took this picture this morning in my favorite outfit at work:



What I looked like 3 years ago: (I'm the brunette) I've posted this pic before, but its the only one I can find from my fat era.



On a similar note I read a very interesting blog I wanted to draw your attention too. The opening line for her blog is "I'm on a mission here to let you know that fat people are not your enemy. And skinny people aren't your enemy either." It's primarily about Fat Acceptance. I know this sounds like an odd topic to bring up on a weight loss blog, especially since everybody reading is aspiring to lose weight. But hear me out. Fat or skinny, tall or short we all want to be loved and accepted. In turn shouldn't we also try and love and accepted the people around us regardless of their dimensions? I honestly wish that through my teen years and adulthood I was not reminded constantly that I was not the ideal size. I mean WTF is the ideal size anyhow? I'll never be the ideal size, whatever it is this week and I want to be accepted for that. So yes, her blog is about fat acceptance, but I think its about body acceptance. So check it out!