I love my family!

Hair: Lazily pulled into a pony.

Weight: I love my curvy body. We'll just guess and say 145. That would make me happy!

Body Image: I am what I think I am.

My parents have returned from the all their traveling adventures and are back home in Kelowna now. Both my Dad and Mom were in hospital when they were in Arizona which gave everyone quite the scare. I drove up to Westbank (just outside of Kelowna) to stay with them for 5 days on the weekend. I had a great time! I got to see my little niece and nephew, my grown up niece and my step sister. Of course I ate way to much and am terrified to step on the scale!!

We had some lovely meals. My mom cooked a wonderful steak dinner and my niece Andrea made homemade hamburgers with guacamole and salad. I wish I didn't feel guilty about all the food I ate, but that's my relationship with food. I can't just enjoy it, I need to worry how many points are in each mouth full, and usually eat it anyway. This means I didn't track, and I most certainly did not stay on program, but I am remembering that I had a lovely time. Here is a lovely group shot:



Don't you just love the little one's faces?

This week I am still trying very hard to focus on tracking and getting my 30 minute walks in. I feel all thrown off my normal routine because I took a couple days off work, and this always throws me for a loop. Work has been terribly slow, which certainly activates mindless eating. My home life is still all up in the air, but on a brighter note I got accepted into the Dental Program at my local College.

I cannot believe the hoops I have to jump through to complete my admission requirements. They have given me 30 days to get a Dental Exam, Physical Exam, Immunization Records, take CPR and First Aid, complete a Criminal Record Check and get a TB skin test. I'm pulling out my hair just thinking about it. I'm also plagued with this feeling that I could be making the wrong decision. I make pretty good money right now, probably what I'll start making as a Dental Assistant. Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I going to like it? What if I don't and I end up spending 20K on a program I hate and throw away the great job I have now?

If anyone still reads my blog, do you love what you do? Why do you love it and how much schooling did you take? Do you have any regrets?

TGIF!

"If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble." - my coworker Kelly trying to make me laugh, which she did.

Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments. I felt so much better after reading them all. Knowing that there are so many other people on a similar path makes it so much easier to stick with the program, dust off my big girl panties and sham the fuck on. Because I must. Wallowing in my own filthy pity gets me nowhere in a hurry. Coveting thy neighbors thinness will in fact, not make me thin.

I am happy to report I've had a very successful week. I've been very diligent with planning my meals and writing everything down. I have not been stepping on the scale and I have decided I will not weigh in this week at all. I do not want to become obsessed with the number on the scale. Instead of attending my meeting on Tuesday, I will be going in on Saturday morning (tomorrow) and asking them not to tell me my weigh in results. I don't want to get discouraged with a big gain and I don't want a loss to mean I can fall off the band wagon and get away with it.

My mission in the next month is to learn to love my body. I even thought about having a naked month but I do believe that would send my ex-boyfriend who is now my roommate the wrong message. I no longer want to dodge the mirror when I'm naked, but stare at my body adoringly and believe it. I refuse to live my life hating my curves, hiding stretch marks and excess skin. In celebration of my luscious and curvy frame, I took this picture this morning in my favorite outfit at work:



What I looked like 3 years ago: (I'm the brunette) I've posted this pic before, but its the only one I can find from my fat era.



On a similar note I read a very interesting blog I wanted to draw your attention too. The opening line for her blog is "I'm on a mission here to let you know that fat people are not your enemy. And skinny people aren't your enemy either." It's primarily about Fat Acceptance. I know this sounds like an odd topic to bring up on a weight loss blog, especially since everybody reading is aspiring to lose weight. But hear me out. Fat or skinny, tall or short we all want to be loved and accepted. In turn shouldn't we also try and love and accepted the people around us regardless of their dimensions? I honestly wish that through my teen years and adulthood I was not reminded constantly that I was not the ideal size. I mean WTF is the ideal size anyhow? I'll never be the ideal size, whatever it is this week and I want to be accepted for that. So yes, her blog is about fat acceptance, but I think its about body acceptance. So check it out!

Ahhh Phooey!

List of junk I ate this weekend:

Greasy Sausages dipped in Syrup - 4
Hash browns
Pancakes with apple sauce and more Syrup
Sushi - LOTS
1/2 box Mac and Cheese
6 Nummy Vegan Cookies
Large bowl of Lucky Charms
Starbucks Coffee Cake
McDonald's Breakfast Sandwich
Coffee with Cream (GAHHHH!!!!! my weakness)
Starbucks Banana Bread
Pizza 2 slices
Orange Julius
4 Dad's Cookies with Milk
1/2 bag of Maynard's Gummy bears

I wanted to disclose my weight loss history. I decided I was fat in the 8Th grade. I was the new girl at a very cliquey private school. There was a boy named Mike I liked beyond reason. Upon circling my wrist, then the wrist of this blond, conniving trollop not worthy of a name, declared to the class I was fat. I was 145 pounds. The very weight I have been fighting to keep and maintain for most of my adult life.

After high school, I packed on the freshman 15 in my first year of College. I then met my husband of 2 years and continued on to gain 65 pounds in about as much time. I started Jenny when I was 21 after being told by my doctor my weight was out of control. Through my divorce I managed to stay with Jenny and lost a total of 75 pounds. I've maintained this weight for 3 years staying between 150-160 pounds. I've really struggled to loose my "Vanity weight" and get to my goal of 135 pounds.

On my weight loss journey I have had so many weekends like the list above. As far as bad weekends go, this truly wasn't as horrible as I've been in the past. My most memorable binge consisted of not one but two pints Ben and Jerry's, 2 bottles of red wine, 2 big macs, 1 medium meat lovers pizza and a very large greasy Denny's breakfast, all consumed in 1 day. I proudly journaled it in my Weight Watcher book, starred and highlighted the page as WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. No day could ever be as bad as that day.

I stepped on the scale last night, and had a good cry. I've gained 4.4 pounds since my Tuesday weigh-in. I'm 152.4 pounds. That horrible worst day of my life feeling struck again. I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel and saying fuck it. Obviously my inner fat girl wants out more then my inner skinny chick. I woke up this morning wondering why I allow food to have so much power over me and my life. Most of my thoughts in a day are along the lines of "If I eat this, I can't eat that." "It's truly unfair that Melissa eats whatever she likes and never gains a pound!" "I shouldn't have had that doughnut yesterday, but since I did, what difference does it make if I have another?"

Today I am reminding myself that only when I plan my meals, and stick to this plan, do I stop obsessing about food. It's tried and true. This is when I feel in control. I will not dwell on all the icky yucky food I ate on the weekend but remember that I do have a inner Skinny Chick and she WILL beat that Ugly Fat Bitch to a bloody pulp. Today's food plan is as follows:

1 VitaTop Double Chocolate - 1 point
1 cup Multi-Grain Cheerios - 2 points
1/2 cup Bran buds - 1 point
1 cup Lite Vanilla Soy - 2 points

1 Sandwich Thin - 1 point
Turkey Slices 3 - 2 points
1 slice Lite Swiss cheese - 1 point
Mustard - 0 points

Fiber One Chewy Chocolate Bar - 1 point
1 Cup Carrots - 1 point

1 serving Turkey Chili - 8 points

1 Bag WW Kettle Corn - 1 point

Total: 21 points

This is Cass signing off. To a New Day and a New Week. Anything is possible.

Taste not - Want not

Hair: Ponytail as I refused to blow dry or straighten it last night.

Weight: 148.8 Oh God, please can I just wake up skinny?

Body Image: Not as bad as it could be.

I haven't been tracking, I haven't been on program and I absolutely positively have not been putting any effort into my weight loss journey. This always happens when I get under the 150 pound mark and I know why. This weight (150 pounds) is achievable and maintainable for me. It's my safety weight. I fit nicely into a size 8 and I am no longer in the overweight category. I'm comfortable. I know it's hard work and perseverance that will take me to my goal weight but I am so afraid to fail, that I refuse to try.

My goal this next week is to just track. I'm really struggling with this for some reason. If I can just get over this hurtle, I feel the rest will be a piece of cake. I'm finding the last week I've been really hungry for some reason. Its all in my head, I know this but I've been using it as an excuse to unnecessarily over eat. It certainly doesn't help that my personal life is all willy-nilly. Being newly single, but still living with my Ex has certainly been interesting. I'm eating out to get out of the house and going out for drinks a lot more then I would normally. This adds up to a lot of extra points.

I've still been going on my daily walks at lunch (30 minutes of brisk walking) but I have not been walking at all after work. I bought a new laptop on Tuesday, which really has not been assisting with my weightless efforts. A Science Fiction mag in the states bought a short story from me but probably won't be publishing it. They bought the story for optional publication in future issues. This has spurred me on to edit a good portion of my old work for future submission. The down side is there is no way to type and walk. I've been getting terrible RSI in my wrist which I know would benefit from lots of short breaks (I should be going out side and walking around the block)

On a positive note it's the weekend and I am ready for it. Tonight, I have a date with a 7 year old (I Big Sister a little boy with disabilities) I'll be heading to Ikea early tomorrow morning to get a small desk for my bedroom which will provide me with a writing station, sorely needed. My good friend Mike will be helping me do the back up disks for my new laptop later on. I have a dog walking date with a girlfriend for Sunday morning. I have no engagements involving food or alcohol ya me! Have a great weekend everyone :) I'll leave you with a song. Another favorite.

Whoopsie!

If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the answer!

Hair: Pulled back in a clip, but wore it curly most of the weekend. GOLD STAR FOR ME!

Weight: 149! EEEEKKK!

Body Image: I look like a White Chocolate covered Gummy Bear. :(

No matter what I do, I cannot kick this cold. It has hung on like a fat kid to a doughnut. I am open to all your herbal remedies at this point! When I'm sick I tend to feel awfully sorry for myself and ended up self medicating with candy. LOTS OF CANDY. It all started with going to see Alice in Wonderland and going to Sweet Factory to get a "few" sweeties for the movie. I ended up getting a great big bag and ate half the bag during the movie and the second half the next day. I can't even begin to comprehend how many points were in that bag!

I also had 2 large pieces of pizza and a very greasy breakfast over the weekend. Oh and a whole bottle of wine. I have not been tracking the last 3 days (Easter Weekend) and it seems I am suffering from "Being this sick means I can lie in my bed all weekend and eat" syndrome. I did not walk anymore then to and from the couch. Why am I doing this to myself!

Today back at work, I'm starting on a clean slate. I am going to stay within my 21 points and already went for a walk at lunch. I hope to go on one more after work before dinner. I leave you with my motivational song of the day: