Ahhh Phooey!

List of junk I ate this weekend:

Greasy Sausages dipped in Syrup - 4
Hash browns
Pancakes with apple sauce and more Syrup
Sushi - LOTS
1/2 box Mac and Cheese
6 Nummy Vegan Cookies
Large bowl of Lucky Charms
Starbucks Coffee Cake
McDonald's Breakfast Sandwich
Coffee with Cream (GAHHHH!!!!! my weakness)
Starbucks Banana Bread
Pizza 2 slices
Orange Julius
4 Dad's Cookies with Milk
1/2 bag of Maynard's Gummy bears

I wanted to disclose my weight loss history. I decided I was fat in the 8Th grade. I was the new girl at a very cliquey private school. There was a boy named Mike I liked beyond reason. Upon circling my wrist, then the wrist of this blond, conniving trollop not worthy of a name, declared to the class I was fat. I was 145 pounds. The very weight I have been fighting to keep and maintain for most of my adult life.

After high school, I packed on the freshman 15 in my first year of College. I then met my husband of 2 years and continued on to gain 65 pounds in about as much time. I started Jenny when I was 21 after being told by my doctor my weight was out of control. Through my divorce I managed to stay with Jenny and lost a total of 75 pounds. I've maintained this weight for 3 years staying between 150-160 pounds. I've really struggled to loose my "Vanity weight" and get to my goal of 135 pounds.

On my weight loss journey I have had so many weekends like the list above. As far as bad weekends go, this truly wasn't as horrible as I've been in the past. My most memorable binge consisted of not one but two pints Ben and Jerry's, 2 bottles of red wine, 2 big macs, 1 medium meat lovers pizza and a very large greasy Denny's breakfast, all consumed in 1 day. I proudly journaled it in my Weight Watcher book, starred and highlighted the page as WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. No day could ever be as bad as that day.

I stepped on the scale last night, and had a good cry. I've gained 4.4 pounds since my Tuesday weigh-in. I'm 152.4 pounds. That horrible worst day of my life feeling struck again. I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel and saying fuck it. Obviously my inner fat girl wants out more then my inner skinny chick. I woke up this morning wondering why I allow food to have so much power over me and my life. Most of my thoughts in a day are along the lines of "If I eat this, I can't eat that." "It's truly unfair that Melissa eats whatever she likes and never gains a pound!" "I shouldn't have had that doughnut yesterday, but since I did, what difference does it make if I have another?"

Today I am reminding myself that only when I plan my meals, and stick to this plan, do I stop obsessing about food. It's tried and true. This is when I feel in control. I will not dwell on all the icky yucky food I ate on the weekend but remember that I do have a inner Skinny Chick and she WILL beat that Ugly Fat Bitch to a bloody pulp. Today's food plan is as follows:

1 VitaTop Double Chocolate - 1 point
1 cup Multi-Grain Cheerios - 2 points
1/2 cup Bran buds - 1 point
1 cup Lite Vanilla Soy - 2 points

1 Sandwich Thin - 1 point
Turkey Slices 3 - 2 points
1 slice Lite Swiss cheese - 1 point
Mustard - 0 points

Fiber One Chewy Chocolate Bar - 1 point
1 Cup Carrots - 1 point

1 serving Turkey Chili - 8 points

1 Bag WW Kettle Corn - 1 point

Total: 21 points

This is Cass signing off. To a New Day and a New Week. Anything is possible.

Taste not - Want not

Hair: Ponytail as I refused to blow dry or straighten it last night.

Weight: 148.8 Oh God, please can I just wake up skinny?

Body Image: Not as bad as it could be.

I haven't been tracking, I haven't been on program and I absolutely positively have not been putting any effort into my weight loss journey. This always happens when I get under the 150 pound mark and I know why. This weight (150 pounds) is achievable and maintainable for me. It's my safety weight. I fit nicely into a size 8 and I am no longer in the overweight category. I'm comfortable. I know it's hard work and perseverance that will take me to my goal weight but I am so afraid to fail, that I refuse to try.

My goal this next week is to just track. I'm really struggling with this for some reason. If I can just get over this hurtle, I feel the rest will be a piece of cake. I'm finding the last week I've been really hungry for some reason. Its all in my head, I know this but I've been using it as an excuse to unnecessarily over eat. It certainly doesn't help that my personal life is all willy-nilly. Being newly single, but still living with my Ex has certainly been interesting. I'm eating out to get out of the house and going out for drinks a lot more then I would normally. This adds up to a lot of extra points.

I've still been going on my daily walks at lunch (30 minutes of brisk walking) but I have not been walking at all after work. I bought a new laptop on Tuesday, which really has not been assisting with my weightless efforts. A Science Fiction mag in the states bought a short story from me but probably won't be publishing it. They bought the story for optional publication in future issues. This has spurred me on to edit a good portion of my old work for future submission. The down side is there is no way to type and walk. I've been getting terrible RSI in my wrist which I know would benefit from lots of short breaks (I should be going out side and walking around the block)

On a positive note it's the weekend and I am ready for it. Tonight, I have a date with a 7 year old (I Big Sister a little boy with disabilities) I'll be heading to Ikea early tomorrow morning to get a small desk for my bedroom which will provide me with a writing station, sorely needed. My good friend Mike will be helping me do the back up disks for my new laptop later on. I have a dog walking date with a girlfriend for Sunday morning. I have no engagements involving food or alcohol ya me! Have a great weekend everyone :) I'll leave you with a song. Another favorite.

New Product Wednesday and Save None Music Video

There is nothing in my refrigerator that will fix a dented fender.

Hair: Still straight, I'm one of those people who don't wash their hair more than once a week

Weight: 148.6!!!!! I am THIN! I am no longer in the OVERWEIGHT CATEGORY!!!!!!

Body Image: but sadly I still feel fat.

My weigh in shocked me yesterday. I have seriously been off plan for a couple weeks realistically. I've still been watching what I eat but I'm not counting points. Boy was I surprised when my leader said you've lost 1.6 pounds for a grand total of 8.8 pounds! This means I have 13.6 pounds to go until I reach my goal weight. I'm terrified though. It is so difficult for me to get below 140. I've only been below 140 twice, once when I was 16 and once when I was 23. Can I do it? Keep in mind I DESPISE excersize. I have a very bad knee from a previous riding accident and I get shin splints like there was no tomorrow. I walk on my lunch breaks everyday for 30 minutes, but I am having a tough time sticking to my night walks 3 times a week. *sigh*



Now for New Product Wednesday. I am in LOVE with Arnold Select Sandwich Thins. Unfortunetly they are not found in Canada. This is another product I pick up over the border and freeze. It's worth every penny and every dirty look from the border guards. They are 100 Calories, 5g of Fiber and 0g fat making them only 1 point. Surprisingly they also taste quite wonderful. I just so happen to be making a sandwich with the Multigrain Sandwich thins today.

Another shameless plug. Save None has just finished their music video. For all you new readers out there, Save None is a local band (Vancouver, BC) playing tunes at some of the clubs here. They have an album called "Always, Never" and they are KICK ASS. Please check out their music video and website. If you REALLY like them, I'll send you a CD.

Adam and Eve...and Steve?

Hair: Old school Redken Ringlet and Curl Keeper, Rockin the beach waves

Weight : Scale said 149.8 but I was stark naked and didn't eat that much yesterday, so it lies.

Body Image: Feel pretty hot!!

I've had lots going on in my personal life the last week. Steve and I are taking a break from our relationship and I've moved into the other room. My dad is in the hospital with Pneumonia and work has been difficult the past week. All of these have added up to me not tracking and not staying on program.

I had the biggest binge fest on Wednesday. I haven't pigged out like that in a long long time. Literally everything that was food in the vicinity went into the big gaping hole called my mouth. I was plagued with guilt afterwards and felt like a total idiot for doing something to sabotage my journey towards weight perfection. I've been making better choices since that night, but I still haven't been tracking. The scale says I've lost weight, but I don't believe that to be accurate.

The last few months, Body Image has been a big concern for me. I believe many of the reasons I sabotage my relationships are due to how I feel about myself at the time. My weight started to creep up around November/December and I started to feel unattractive and undesirable. I fell into the habit of coming home from work and crashing on the couch (usually involved eating as much as I could find). Both Steve and I were unhappy with our jobs and we were arguing a lot. I had no outlet for my stress and I was miserable.

When I started to work out, watch what I was eating and turn myself around, I felt better about myself and my body. Unfortunately, this caused problems with Steve because he was still in the same place I had been. My attitude had improved, but his had not. We were no longer having joint pity parties. Now can we meet each other in the middle? Is that possible?

Old Pictures and New Product Wednesday!

My weigh-in last night went just the way I thought it would. I lost .2 pounds which is attributed to the fact I went pee right before my weigh in. I know my choices on the weekend are affecting my weight loss tremendously. All my flex points are being used in 2 days causing me to feel very bloated on Monday. My goal this weekend is to stay with in 30 points both Saturday and Sunday, only using 8 flex points each day.

Last night I was going through some of my old emails and I came across some pictures of my bridal shower in 2004 (I was 20) and the shots from when I tried on my wedding dress. I was somewhere between 220-230 pounds in these pictures. I cannot stress how miserable I was when I was at this weight. I couldn't go up stairs without holding the banister and often had to stop halfway. My sex life was dull because neither my ex-husband or I could muster up enough energy to make it interesting. My blood pressure and cholesterol were that of an overweight 50 year old. I hated having my picture taken and had lots of trouble finding clothes to fit me.






The picture below is my favorite picture of me. I'm the one in the red tank top, black pants. I just so happen to be at my lowest weight ever of 138 pounds. I was single at the time and had left my husband of 2 years 4-5 months earlier. I had stopped eating much for most of this time, convinced I would never find another man if I was fat. Unfortunetly because I was starving myself, it was very hard to keep up once I became comfortable in a relationship. Now that I am on Weight Watchers I find I am learning to eat properly without starving myself silly.



While cruising around online yesterday I came across something new that I just had to try. They are called VitaMuffins and VitaTops. They both pack 5-7g of fiber and just 100 calories making them only 1 point each! I tried both the Deep Chocolate Top and the CranBran Muffin and both are very tasty and filling for only 1 point. In Canada they are sold in Safeway, IGA and Shoppers Drugmart. One box of 4 is $4.98. My freezer will never been seen without these bad boys again. I've been buying the 1 point Weight Watcher Bars and find them small and unsatisfying. These new Muffins will now take there place.

Canada Wins GOLD!

Hair: Ponytail AGAIN

Weight: 153.8 (first thing in the AM....not a good sign)

Age: 25

Height: 5ft 5"

Points allowed: 22

Body Image: at an all time LOW

Steves birthday was on Saturday night and the good news is I had my allotted 6 glasses of wine. The bad news is I ate WAY to much at Memphis Blues (we ordered the Memphis platter) and I had a glass of honey lager at the last bar we went to. I will pat myself on the back for drinking lots of water while we were out, which I am sure prevented me from having a terrible hangover the next day. I babysat 2 little ones for the Gold Medal game, which of course did not interest a 1 year old or a 3 year old. It was lovely to look after both of them and not have a pounding headache!

I am really struggling with my body image right now. I took some pictures of myself naked last night so I can document the way my body looks now at this weight, and then I'll do the same when I'm hopefully 20 pounds lighter. Its been a long time since I stood in front of a mirror in my birthday suit and actually stared at myself. I was very upset with what I saw. My stomach has so much loose skin from when I reached my heaviest (225 pounds when I was 20) and I have stretch marks on my thighs, breasts, arms and stomach.

I am very worried I will never lose my stomach. It looks like I was pregnant at one point! I am angry at myself for allowing my body to get to this point and disappointed in myself that I did not have the willpower to stay at my goal weight of 138. Not only did I spend half of last night beating myself up about my appearance naked, I finished off the evening with a piece of cake, which of course only made me feel worse.

This morning when I left my very very drunk boyfriend passed out on the couch to head to work, I still felt guilty about everything I ate and drank this weekend. I struggle very much with public outings and staying on program during them. Steve called me at work and told me we will avoid outings for a while, but I feel like this does not fix the problem, it only avoids it. I need to learn how to eat out without eating EVERYTHING at the table.

To end my 3 paragraph pity party, I will summarize the positives:

• I went grocery shopping last night and bought lots of healthy choices for the week


• I had a delicious healthy breakfast (1/2 cup cheerios, 1/3 cup bran buds, 1/4 strawberries, 1 cup soy milk) which fills my up until lunch and I love fresh strawberries


• I got lots of compliments on my hair Saturday night


• My skinny jeans actually looked skinny! My best friend Emma said they looked stunning!


• I bought a Wii Fit off a co-worker and plan to use this every other day

I meant to post about my hair on Saturday night also. I used Rockin Ringlets, Confident Coils and a little bit of Pantene Curls Gel. I used about 4-5 quarter sized dollops of Rockin Ringlets and 3 blobs of Confident Coils. My hair was a bit crunchy so I scrunched out the crunch. I got lots of compliments on it at the restaurant, but I thought it looked really frizzy! I only have a little bit of Rockin Ringlets left...and I'm worried I might want to buy more. The picture of me and Steve at Saskatchewan house last week (picture above) was the same combination, and it seemed like it had more volume and less frizz.

Poor Steve is very hungover today and thanking the gods above that he booked today off at work. Work is dead due to the Gold Medal Win of Team Canada at the Olympics last night. I have never been so proud to be Canadian. Driving home last night I had a beautiful view of the mountains and people were on the street high-fiving and hugging. The atmosphere here in Vancouver is just bursting with pride. Way to go Team Canada!