Musings of a lonely Weight Watcher

Weight: 149 - I seem to be holding steady at this weight

Body Image: Wearing a very girl outfit and I like how it makes me look

Hair: I've been putting off dealing with my hair for over a month. No Iron, no curly, just ponytail. This disappoints me.

I read a lot of blogs in one day. They vary in topics from Healthy Eating, Frugality, Fitness, Body Image Acceptance and Finding Inner Happiness. I love reading how people feel about food, money, their bodies and their day to day lives. They seem to validate how I feel. Because sometimes, I just don't know how or what to feel. I like stealing peoples viewpoints and making them my own for a moment.

I'm constantly searching. Searching for the right diet, the perfect hair product, fashionable clothing and just the right man. I'm never happy with what I find. Which perpetuates the ongoing cycle. Now I wonder if with all the options available to me, if I'll ever be happy. How could anyone possibly know when they've found the absolutely best option for them? Our society drives us to always want better.

The reason I am wondering this is because I don't know when I'll have found my ideal weight. I am currently a little under 150 and frankly I feel like a fraud. I'm small enough to be considered a "normal" body size but big enough to still feel terribly fat. I'm a total in betweenie. When I drop my drawers, and look in the mirror I know I'm not slim. This is not what a slim body looks like. I should be ok with that shouldn't I?

I want so badly to find a balance between healthy eating and the occasional splurge. My entire day is dominated by food. When I get to eat, what I get to eat, how much I get to eat and where I get to eat. How can one person be so driven by food?

I want to learn to be happy just the way I am no matter the scale. I need to realize that being thin will not bring about eternal happiness and meeting a mark on the scale will not make Unicorns poop rainbows. Whether I am a size 6 or a size 10, I am still me. I know I will still be insecure, I will still feel fat, I will still wonder if everyone is looking at me and think my rolls are unsightly. So honestly, what does it matter? Are 10 pounds the difference between happy and unhappy? Skinny and fat?