New Haircut!!

I’m still holding steady at about 148 pounds. I’m debating on whether or not I want to lock in at this weight and go for my lifetime membership at Weight Watchers. I’ve certainly lost my drive to drop anymore weight, but I would like to continue to go to meetings and receive all the wonderful advice my leader has to offer.

I ate way more than I had planned this weekend. Steve and I had a True Blood marathon, complete with popcorn and licorice. It was so much fun! True Blood is such a wicked series.

Saturday Steve locked his keys in the car, poor guy. This stressed him out to no end, so we went for a greasy breakfast. All hail Bon’s and their $2.95 breakfast special. Watched The Road in the evening which was quite disturbing, a movie about a Father and Son trying to survive the end of the world amidst cannibals and thieves. Terribly sad.

I spent most of Sunday taking apart our old bedframe, organizing furniture and going through our closets. I also went shopping with my best friend in the whole wide world at Ikea and Home outfitters. We had a blast, but consumed half a large package of peanut M&M’s. Whoops.

Food Today:

Bran Buds, Fruit and Yogurt Special K with Strawberries and Soy (6 points)
2 Hardboiled eggs (4 points)
Lite Mayo (1 point)
Orowheat Sandwich thin (1 point)
Yogurt (1 point)
Apple (1 point)
Carrots (1 point)
Fiber one bar (2 points)
Turkey Meat balls w/ sauce (6 points)
Rice ½ cup (2 points)
Veggies (1 point)

Total: 28 points not too shabby!

Oh and my new haircut! I love it! Looks even better curly!

Cookie Monster

I've been letting cookies in the house again. It all started with these cute little Girl Guides who outsmarted me out of $4. I had the best of intentions. I was going to bring the cookies to work and leave them at the reception desk. Around 6 o'clock, they started whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Promising just one little cookie was all I needed too subdue my feelings of cookie deprivation. So I ate one. To make it even I ate one Blondie, one chocolate. I remembered how when I was a child, my Oma would give me Girl Guide cookies with tea. I missed my Oma dearly all of a sudden, so I brewed a pot of tea.



After consuming half the package of cookies with my Pot O' Tea, I got to thinking. Who brings in half a box of Girl Guide cookies? That just looks tacky. I had a bit of a stomach ache at this point, but I still rationalized keeping the cookies close at hand. I walked into the bathroom, lifted my shirt and stared at my muffin top in the mirror. Clearly, I did not need anymore cookies. The cats wandered into the bathroom behind me, and also starred up at my muffin top.

The cookies are now at the bottom of the trash can. Covered in used kitty litter. Just in case. No more whispering cookies.

Sore, oh so sore

Yesterday evening I went for what I learned was a 8 KM walk with an old friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years. If I'd known it was going to be a 8 KM walk, I just don't think I would have taken part, so it's probably best she never told me. Half way through I thought I was going to die. When I tried to get out of bed this morning, I thought about calling in sick, I was that sore. It wasn't my calf's, or my thighs but my hips of all things. I feel like a little old lady!

Not much else to report. I still have a cold sore and it sucks. The last 2-3 weeks I haven't been able to sleep through the night, which is really starting to wear me out, not to mention hungry. I have a hair appointment tomorrow, and I am very excited to get a good deal of my hair lopped off and get some bangs. I want to get something like this:



I got 2 blog awards this week! The first is from this wonderful blogger. Check out her blog yo. Thank you Sylvia!



I also got a Beautiful Blogger Award from from Rescuing Lisa. Thank you so much Lisa that made my day more then you can imagine! The condition of the award is that I list 7 things you don't know about me and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers.



First - 7 things you don't know about me:

1. I sing in the shower. A lot.
2. I harbour an unnatural fear of zombies. Half my life revolves around how I will escape when an infection breaks out. All my friends know the codeword and the evacuation plan. And it's not if, it's when.
3. I have a diploma in Hotel Management. Took me 2 years to graduate. I worked in a hotel for a little over 2 weeks and quit.
4. I've been held up at gunpoint. It sucked.
5. I have 2 friends I've known since I was 10. They are probably plotting my death as I type.
6. I could not possibly live without my local library. I mean they give you books. FOR FREE!
7. I love to dance. I've been known to bust a move in our local grocery store on a busy Saturday, much to Steves dismay.

And on to my favorite Bloggers:

My friend M and her blog of things she likes
Michelle at the Garlic Chronicles
Lindsay at Healthy Stride
Amanda at Busting Through it
Amie at Running on Healthy
Cher at Love Actually
Flabby McGee at Flabby McGee



Oh and I ate a whole Kit Kat bar after lunch. Whoops.

Today:

Coffee with a splash of soy
Bran buds (1 point)
Special K with fruit and yogurt (1 point)
Soy (2 points)
Apple (1 point)
Salmon (3 points)
Lite Mayo (1 point)
Sandwich Thin (1 point)
Carrots (1 point)
Kit Kat (6 points)
Yogurt (1 point)
Home made chicken strips (5 points)
Baked Fries (4 points)
Mustard Dip (2 points)
Grapes (1 point)

Total: 30 points.

Again, I'm hurting for readers of my new blog I don't care too much for money, so if being frugal interests you, please take a look :)

Yes, that is a Cold Sore on my lip

Yes, I have a cold sore. It's big, it's red and I have nick named it Grossness Goo. If one more person in my office asks me about whats on my lip, I might actually have to bust a cap in someones arse! If any of you are the receievers of this wonderfully disgusting virus, you know that they just plain suck. They burn and ooze. I started my Lysine and Vitamin C regiment last night when I felt the tingle, but looks like it still reared its ugly head anyway. *sigh*

I didn't go for my walk at lunch today. I decided to have a lay down in the car as I didn't sleep a lot last night. I shoulda walked. Tomorrow, I promise.

I am still quite amazed I'm 148 pounds, seeing as I've been eating crapola the last 2-3 weeks. My mother thinks it's because no matter how much crap I eat, I still get in my Bran Buds and lots of fiber. Yah for Fiber, Fiber is your friend!

My food today:

Coffee with a splash of soy (I count no points on this as its literally a splash)
1 cup soy (2 points)
1/2 cup Special K Fruit and Yogurt (1 point)
1/3 cup Bran Buds (1 point)
1 All-Bran Chewy Bar EWWWW! (2 points)
2 Hardboiled Eggs (4 points
1 Tsp light mayo (1 point)
1 Sandwhich thin (1 point)
1/2 cup carrots (1 point)
1/2 cup yogurt (1 point)
1 apple (1 point)
Sushi (12 points)

Total: 27 points! Not 20 but thats ok, I just want to concentrate on tracking right now.



This brings me to the All-Bran Chewy Bars. These are honestly the worst fiber like ceral bar I have ever had. Its no chewy at all, it taste like cardboard and the sprinkling of chocolate chips on the top are just insulting. Save yourself $3 and STAY AWAY from the All-Bran Chewy Bars.

Last but not least, I started a new blog a little while ago called "I don't care too much for money." Documenting my journey as a starving student (starting school in September) I would love to have a couple followers so check me out!

Life? Where are you?

Weight: 148 (yesterday at 9 AM)

I've been lazy. Like really really lazy. I've stopped going for my 30 minute power walks at lunch. I've stopped walking for 30 minutes after work. I've eaten take out sushi 4 days in a row now and ate an entire row of rainbow chip cookies last night. Even now my boyfriend is washing the dishes I created while he was away because I'm to lazy to deal with them.

My doctor thinks I'm a little depressed. I'm showing what she says are the most common warning signs: sleeping more then 10 hours a night and still being tired, not washing nearly as often as normal, caring little about ones appearance, fear of leaving the house and well you get the picture. She offered me mediation and I think I snapped a nasty comment at her.

Do I feel depressed? No not really. I sure feel detached, but that's not the same thing. I've officially been accepted to college, and given my tuition deposit, meaning I'll be quitting my job of 4 years in August. Steve and I are working on being a more functional couple and I just sold my money pit of a car (aka Josephine the 2001 Light Green Beetle)

All of these changes have left me feeling like I am watching my life from the outside, almost like I have no power over whats going on. I also find that I don't really care. I don't care that the house is getting filthy, that I'm slightly out of touch with reality, that my laundry pile of clean and dirty now have caves that my cats are borrowing in.

So my gentle readers, when I went to my WW meeting and the lady asked me why there had been little change in my weight in the last month and a bit, I almost told her to *uck off. Terrible. I just mumbled that I didn't know. I do know, and I'm glad I told you all instead. I already feel better :)

Musings of a lonely Weight Watcher

Weight: 149 - I seem to be holding steady at this weight

Body Image: Wearing a very girl outfit and I like how it makes me look

Hair: I've been putting off dealing with my hair for over a month. No Iron, no curly, just ponytail. This disappoints me.

I read a lot of blogs in one day. They vary in topics from Healthy Eating, Frugality, Fitness, Body Image Acceptance and Finding Inner Happiness. I love reading how people feel about food, money, their bodies and their day to day lives. They seem to validate how I feel. Because sometimes, I just don't know how or what to feel. I like stealing peoples viewpoints and making them my own for a moment.

I'm constantly searching. Searching for the right diet, the perfect hair product, fashionable clothing and just the right man. I'm never happy with what I find. Which perpetuates the ongoing cycle. Now I wonder if with all the options available to me, if I'll ever be happy. How could anyone possibly know when they've found the absolutely best option for them? Our society drives us to always want better.

The reason I am wondering this is because I don't know when I'll have found my ideal weight. I am currently a little under 150 and frankly I feel like a fraud. I'm small enough to be considered a "normal" body size but big enough to still feel terribly fat. I'm a total in betweenie. When I drop my drawers, and look in the mirror I know I'm not slim. This is not what a slim body looks like. I should be ok with that shouldn't I?

I want so badly to find a balance between healthy eating and the occasional splurge. My entire day is dominated by food. When I get to eat, what I get to eat, how much I get to eat and where I get to eat. How can one person be so driven by food?

I want to learn to be happy just the way I am no matter the scale. I need to realize that being thin will not bring about eternal happiness and meeting a mark on the scale will not make Unicorns poop rainbows. Whether I am a size 6 or a size 10, I am still me. I know I will still be insecure, I will still feel fat, I will still wonder if everyone is looking at me and think my rolls are unsightly. So honestly, what does it matter? Are 10 pounds the difference between happy and unhappy? Skinny and fat?

Yee Gawds I spent WHAT?!

Alright so I am gearing up for College in September and after calculating my expenses, I realized how much money I spend on miscellaneous food. When I say Miscellaneous food, I mean food that is purchased everywhere but a grocery store. This scares me because a) I am suppose to be DIETING and b) because alot of these purchases I can't really remember! Which means, I am buying this food when I'm not hungry and when I'm bored. I chalk this up to society telling me I should be eating.

Moments I feel like I should be eating when I know I'm not hungry:

- grabbing a coffee at Starbucks (Damn perky Barista asks if I want a pastry and I almost ALWAYS say yes)

- staff meetings (open box of doughnuts in the middle of the table begging to be released into my waiting and hopeful mouth)

- meeting friends for drinks (turns into drinks and appys and then sometimes dinner, why oh why?)

- shopping (I ALWAYS end up buying snacks I don't REALLY want but I feel I deserve)

Not only does snacking whilst taking part in other activities become expensive, I never really enjoy what I ate and sometimes don't even remember. So I saved all the receipts from the last couple weeks (May 3 - Today) and I have spent a whopping $108.07 on miscellaneous food. That's $10.30 a day on food I shouldn't be eating in the first place!!! Here is the list:

$7.50 - Starbucks
$5.73 - Tim Horton's
$18.10 - Toro Sushi (I live ACROSS the street and what I couldn't go home and cook myself dinner? How lazy am I?)
$45.40 - Cactus Club (What was suppose to be just a couple glasses of wine turned into wine with Appys)
$6.92 - McDonald's (I don't even remember what I ate, but the receipt says I ate a Big Mac, Fries and a Diet Coke but I know it lies. I'm telling myself I had a salad)
$4.57 - Orange Julius (No doubt on a high calorie smoothie of some sort)
$7.74 - Starbucks
$12.11 - Sweet Factory (Gahhhhh not Candy again!!! Couldn't possibly have been me!)

This next week, I am really going to concentrate on only eating at home. Having an extra $100 in my wallet would be wonderful, and I know my waistline would appreciate it.

My question to all you bloggers is: Do you find yourself buying food (whether fast food or snacks) you know you shouldn't be eating but justify it in some way?

You've got Mail!

About a month ago, I emailed the infamous Bitch Cakes. She is the blogger who inspired me to blog about my battle of the bulge. Her blog is awesome, with lots of information on her journey, what she eats and the exercise she participates in. I find her ramblings very inspirational and she has a quirky sense of humor I can't help but love. Some of the pictures she's posted have been down right scandalous, and I admire her for it. One picture she posted, was her in a leopard print lingerie set that exposed most of her now svelte figure and it got me thinking about my very jiggly tummy.

So I sent her the following email:

Hey Bitchcakes!

Love your blog. AWE! SOME!

I myself have also lost +60 pounds but I have not been as active as you have. I noticed in some of your pictures that you don't seem to have any loose skin around your tummy. I was wondering when you lost the bulk of your weight if you did have loose skin and if being active helped tighten your skin.

I'm plagued with loose skin around my tummy and would love to be able to feel comfortable in a bikini.

Thank you for your answer in advance,

Cassandra

After one month of waiting (I know she gets flooded with mail) I got this email!

Cassandra-

I hope you forgive the lateness of this reply...

I assure you I DO suffer from this and I hate it. You don't see it in the photos because I am standing upright. If I bend over, it's there and it does bother me. Of course I wouldn't photograph myself from one of those angles, so you don't see it. We are in a similar boat with 60ish pounds lost and quite honestly, other than skin tightening surgery or self-acceptance, I don't think we have another choice.

Sorry I don't have better news for you. Thank you so much for reading though! It's always great to hear that someone enjoys my blog :)

Sheryl aka Bitch Cakes

So there you have it folks. I'm screwed. Self-acceptance it is then. Oh and check out her blog, she's just fabulous you know.

My personal Life is taking over my Life

Hair: Pony tail again. I'm a little stressed out OK?

Weight: funnily enough I've remained at 148.6 for the last 4 weeks now

Body Image: What this old thing?

I've been stressed lately. Stressed and I've not been sleeping terribly well. This paired with my struggle to complete all my outstanding requirements for admission to the CDA program at my local college and my home life in chaos leads me to eat. Luckily it has not yet reflected in my weekly weigh-ins, but I am beginning to think its only a matter of time! My tracking has reflected that I am eating on average 6 points more then I should be. It's not terrible, but will most certainly lead to a gain.

On a positive note, I got my walk in today at lunch, but I ate one of those mini bags of Doritos which was a whopping 5 points for a little itty-bitty bag. It was sooo tasty! I am still eating my delish Vitamuffins and my Bran Buds every morning which I believe is directly contributing to keeping off the extra weight by keeping me regular. Yah for being regular! I am still drinking quite a bit of water as well.



Today I came across this beautiful image on someone's blog. I became quite sad as I began to wonder if I would every feel anything close to what this image portrays. I've been married before, and I remember loving the man I was with, but could I say I loved him like this? You know, that feeling that nothing could part you? Not God, not the Devil himself. Now as I was thinking this my mothers voice popped into my head "My dear, one must be realistic. These days, there is no World War sending all the men to battle. A great High comes with a great Low. Don't be so silly."

I'm wondering if the reason I don't feel all these romantic gushy feelings for Steve, is because he and I have never been placed in a circumstance where we've been forced to part. He and I live together and work together. I see him everyday almost all day. Rarely do we go more then a couple hours without seeing one another. Could it be possible that we have no chance to appreciate each other? I don't know. But I would like to figure it out and soon before I lose my mind.

My question this week is: How do you know when your still in love, when the Rose Colored glasses have come off?