Not a fan of Summer, please don't stone me

After avoiding the scale for 6 weeks, I stepped on this morning in my groggy stupor and woke Steve up with my angry scream. 158 blinked at me in bright red.

My pants have been tight. I’ve been feeling bloated. Most of my summer wear consists of loose t-shirts and sporty, yet forgiving pedal pushers (if that’s what they’re still called) Today I can’t even suck in my tummy I feel that bloated.

I haven’t been eating my bran buds. Weekends I’ve been drinking like a fish and allowing my life-style diet to go out the window, all because its summer and I feel entitled to binge if I want to.

I’ve always found summer a difficult time to stick to my diet. I’m not terribly fond of the heat unless I’m at the lake. It’s too hot to walk during the day, and nights are so warm it’s quite hard to get a good nights sleep. You would think the heat would stop me from over eating, but that’s just not the case. I eat because I’m exhausted, over-heated and grumpy. Food makes me feel better.

Summer is also the booze months for me. BBQ, weddings, camping and birthday parties all seem to abound during summer with alcohol often flowing freely. To stay social, of course I drink too.

I’m ready for summer to be over and school to start. I’m looking forward to an end to social engagements popping up left right and center. I just don’t have the will power to say no.

You’ll be seeing me around more often now I imagine. I do need the accountability of this blog more than it needs me!

Yes, I have been scarce around these parts

Hello Fellow bloggers!

I have been terribly scarce on this blog of late and I apologize. I've had a lot on my mind and a busy summer.

I've also been spending more time on my other blog, www.idontcaretoomuchformoney.blogspot.com. So you want to see what I've been up too, check me out there!

Hope your all having a fabulous summer :)

Feeling Bloated

The summer has officially hit ‘round these parts. Our backyard was 31 degrees yesterday afternoon and 20 degrees this morning at 6:30. I wish I loved it, but to be terribly honest I’m one of those people who loves spring and fall and could just as well live without the scorching summer. Please don’t stone me.

I’ve been trying to figure out lately why I feel so terribly bloated after lunch everyday. Some days it gets so bad, I can’t suck in my stomach. Just for the record, I am not constipated. I don’t eat a big lunch, just 1 sandwich thin with a little lunch meat, cucumber, cheese and some baby carrots. Today I’m going to try just eating the sandwich and eating the carrots later in the afternoon. Does anyone else experience the same problem?

More Drama

Weight 149.8

I’ve been a little scarce round these parts but you are not abandoned fellow weight watchers. I have been plagued the last week with work drama directly involving Steve and me, which has sucked me dry of all mental and emotional energy. My work life is still a bit of a mess but Steve and I are ironing our side of things out, so things are finally quieting down.

Due to my tooth extraction and personal drama, I haven’t been eating well but I also haven’t been eating much. This has certainly saved me from gaining, and I actually weighed in 1.5 pounds less than last week. I spent 4 days in bed watching movies and eating oatmeal, pudding, ice cream and mashed potatoes!! How did I get this lucky?

Tonight I have physio, which I’m none to excited about, but I’ve certainly noticed a difference in my RSI. I’ve got an 8 KM walk planned for tomorrow with an old friend, getting in good exercise and some girly time in! Afterwards we should be having some friends over for drinks. I don’t expect any major food dilemma’s this weekend.

My goals this week are:

Blog at least 2 times
Track my Point’s everyday
Finish organizing/de-cluttering

Quick question to y’all: What are your horror stories and/or pleasant encounters with dating people you work with?

Chocolate Cake, You are not my friend. Not now, not ever.

Weight 151.8

Today, one of the ladies in the office was passing out donuts and I said No thank you. I was quite proud of myself. I actually viewed this as an accomplishment. Then the new girl brought in home made chocolate cake and I couldn’t say no. I just had to try a teeny piece and that said teeny piece turned into 3 teeny pieces. Silly me, I know better.

I have my weigh in tonight. Days like this I am happy for the motivation and listening to my leader talk. A little Weight Watcher brain wash is exactly what I need right now, let me tell you. I’m feeling tubby and frumpy again, but I know that’s because my TOM is due in a couple days.

I’m a little concerned about Friday. I’m getting my last 2 wisdom teeth yanked from my mouth, which means I’ll be eating pudding for 3-4 days. The all pudding diet is never good for weight loss for some strange reason. Any one know any tricks to staying pull on a liquid diet? At this point, I’m pretty open to advice!

And here’s me today:

Food that escaped the garbage

I am pleased to announce that my purge is complete. I have thrown out every morsel of food that could trigger a binge. I feel relieved; almost like that food was haunting me.

Food that I decided to keep was:

Mini Freezies – 10 calories a Pop. Fabulous in the summer when you have a sweet tooth.

100 Calorie Mint Chocolate Cadbury Bars – 2 points and a life savor when it’s TOM

VitaMuffin 100 Calorie Muffin Tops – 1 point and worth every bite. I can never eat more then one anyway.



I am a little in love with the Smart Ones Desserts. I like the Strawberry Shortcake the most but the Double Fudge Cake is pretty damn good. I’ve only been able to find the Strawberry Shortcake at Superstore, so if anyone has seen it elsewhere let me know.



I made a very healthy stir fry last night with my own sauce made from scratch over brown rice. Doesn’t it look tasty? I probably shouldn’t have added the cashews, but I decided to live a little. Without the cashews it’s 8 points.

I feel excellent today. I took a walk at lunch and I’ve been drinking my water. I am concentrating on tracking and making healthy choices, more so then staying within my points range. I only get a measly 21, which leaves me really hungry unless I eat pounds and pounds of veggies.

My question to y’all is how do you stay full on minimal points?

My name is Cass, and I'm a Food Addict

Weight 152.6

I go through the same pattern over and over again. I get close to 160, panic and drop back down to 148, then binge eat until I get up to 160 again and the cycle continues. I’m starting the binge cycle again and I don’t know how to stop. Every where I look I see forbidden food, that in my mind I believe I deserve. The deserving turns into bingeing because I can’t control myself.

I’d like to blame my bingeing on stress or just juggling a lot in my life but in my heart I know it’s none of those things. I’ve been much more stressed and juggled much more and managed to eat less. Honestly, I am a food addict and like any good addict knows, having the source of the addiction in the house, needs to stop. I clearly cannot control myself after work.

Last night I threw away all the trigger foods in my pantry and fridge. This included the home made double chocolate chip cookies a lady at the office made and the cool ranch Doritos. How did these sneak into my house anyway, I should know better. If I’m going to pig out, I want it to be on grapes or apples.

I wasn’t walking at lunch like I always do for over a month. I got myself out there Monday Tuesday and today so far and will continue for the rest of the week. I’m not going to push myself too hard with activity or I’ll just quit.

I started Physio last week for my RSI in my fore arm and wish I had started it sooner. The RSI was getting so bad; my fingers were going numb at night. Already the pain is greatly reduced, to which I am greatly relieved. I’ve been very lazy with cooking because even chopping veggies hurts my arm.

My bingeing aside, I still feel pretty good about myself. I went to a party on Saturday and felt thin and attractive, which I would never have felt a couple years ago. Here’s a picture of me at the party:

Beautiful

This post on Operationbeautiful.com made my day. That is all.

Make Fiber your Friend!

Weight 148.2


RescuingLisa reminded me yesterday how much I love my Bran Buds. I eat about half a cup of these crunchy little pellets everyday, either on top of my cereal or mixed in with some yogurt. Now I don’t want to lie to you, they aren’t very yummy. They are down right tasteless and plain. But the wonderful thing about Bran Buds is the Fiber. Fiber is your friend, or it should be.

Nutritional Information per 1/3 cup (28 g)

Fat 1g
Cholesterol 0g
Sodium 200mg
Potassium 280mg
Carbohydrate 22g
Fiber 11g (this is 44% of your daily requirement, 25g being ideal)
Protein 3g

Now why should fiber by your friend you might ask? There have been many studies conducted on the benefits of fiber, but the one I am most concerned with is what fiber does for my weight loss efforts. This article here mentions that although increased fiber in your diet will not directly make you lose weight, it will a) keep you full longer and b) regulate your blood sugar levels.

This is important because as we are on a calorie reduced diet, we want to be eating foods that will prolong that feeling of fullness for as long as possible. I know it keeps me from reaching for the box of donuts at the reception desk in the morning. Now regulating our blood sugar levels is also extremely important because this keeps our cravings for sugar at bay. When we eat a chocolate bar for example, our blood sugar spikes, then drops very rapidly. Our body then craves another spike. Fiber keeps our blood sugar levels from falling or spiking.

In all honesty though, I don’t eat Bran Buds for the above reasons. I eat them because we have chronic constipation in our family and nothing has worked like my Buds have worked. This article here says a healthy colon should weigh 4 pounds, but some autopsies have revealed swollen colons weighing 40 pounds due to build up of waste. By eating over 25 g of fiber a day, I am removing harmful waste from my colon and intestines and keeping build up to a minimum, which means I keep that 36 pounds of poop from making a home in my body.

Do your body a favor, eat some fiber. This doesn’t mean you have to eat Bran Buds. Fruits and veggies pack a lot of fiber too, so don’t neglect them either.

My Food today:

Maple & Brown sugar Weight Control Oatmeal – 3 points + 6g of Fiber
1/3 cup Bran Buds – 1 point + 11g of Fiber
1/3 cup skim milk – 1 point
Sandwich thin – 1 point + 5g of Fiber
Fat-Free sliced Turkey – 2 points
Lite-May 1 tsp – 1 point
Jarlsberg Cheese – 4 points
½ cup Cucumber – 0 points
Fiber 1 Oats and Chocolate – 2 points + 5g of Fiber
1 apple medium – 1 point + 4g of fiber
BBQ Chicken breast – 4 points
BBQ Sauce – 2 points
Yukon nugget potatoes 4 – 4 points + 3g of Fiber
Mixed Veggies ¾ cup – 1 point + 2g of Fiber

Total: 27 points and 36g of Fiber!!

New Haircut!!

I’m still holding steady at about 148 pounds. I’m debating on whether or not I want to lock in at this weight and go for my lifetime membership at Weight Watchers. I’ve certainly lost my drive to drop anymore weight, but I would like to continue to go to meetings and receive all the wonderful advice my leader has to offer.

I ate way more than I had planned this weekend. Steve and I had a True Blood marathon, complete with popcorn and licorice. It was so much fun! True Blood is such a wicked series.

Saturday Steve locked his keys in the car, poor guy. This stressed him out to no end, so we went for a greasy breakfast. All hail Bon’s and their $2.95 breakfast special. Watched The Road in the evening which was quite disturbing, a movie about a Father and Son trying to survive the end of the world amidst cannibals and thieves. Terribly sad.

I spent most of Sunday taking apart our old bedframe, organizing furniture and going through our closets. I also went shopping with my best friend in the whole wide world at Ikea and Home outfitters. We had a blast, but consumed half a large package of peanut M&M’s. Whoops.

Food Today:

Bran Buds, Fruit and Yogurt Special K with Strawberries and Soy (6 points)
2 Hardboiled eggs (4 points)
Lite Mayo (1 point)
Orowheat Sandwich thin (1 point)
Yogurt (1 point)
Apple (1 point)
Carrots (1 point)
Fiber one bar (2 points)
Turkey Meat balls w/ sauce (6 points)
Rice ½ cup (2 points)
Veggies (1 point)

Total: 28 points not too shabby!

Oh and my new haircut! I love it! Looks even better curly!

Cookie Monster

I've been letting cookies in the house again. It all started with these cute little Girl Guides who outsmarted me out of $4. I had the best of intentions. I was going to bring the cookies to work and leave them at the reception desk. Around 6 o'clock, they started whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Promising just one little cookie was all I needed too subdue my feelings of cookie deprivation. So I ate one. To make it even I ate one Blondie, one chocolate. I remembered how when I was a child, my Oma would give me Girl Guide cookies with tea. I missed my Oma dearly all of a sudden, so I brewed a pot of tea.



After consuming half the package of cookies with my Pot O' Tea, I got to thinking. Who brings in half a box of Girl Guide cookies? That just looks tacky. I had a bit of a stomach ache at this point, but I still rationalized keeping the cookies close at hand. I walked into the bathroom, lifted my shirt and stared at my muffin top in the mirror. Clearly, I did not need anymore cookies. The cats wandered into the bathroom behind me, and also starred up at my muffin top.

The cookies are now at the bottom of the trash can. Covered in used kitty litter. Just in case. No more whispering cookies.

Sore, oh so sore

Yesterday evening I went for what I learned was a 8 KM walk with an old friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years. If I'd known it was going to be a 8 KM walk, I just don't think I would have taken part, so it's probably best she never told me. Half way through I thought I was going to die. When I tried to get out of bed this morning, I thought about calling in sick, I was that sore. It wasn't my calf's, or my thighs but my hips of all things. I feel like a little old lady!

Not much else to report. I still have a cold sore and it sucks. The last 2-3 weeks I haven't been able to sleep through the night, which is really starting to wear me out, not to mention hungry. I have a hair appointment tomorrow, and I am very excited to get a good deal of my hair lopped off and get some bangs. I want to get something like this:



I got 2 blog awards this week! The first is from this wonderful blogger. Check out her blog yo. Thank you Sylvia!



I also got a Beautiful Blogger Award from from Rescuing Lisa. Thank you so much Lisa that made my day more then you can imagine! The condition of the award is that I list 7 things you don't know about me and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers.



First - 7 things you don't know about me:

1. I sing in the shower. A lot.
2. I harbour an unnatural fear of zombies. Half my life revolves around how I will escape when an infection breaks out. All my friends know the codeword and the evacuation plan. And it's not if, it's when.
3. I have a diploma in Hotel Management. Took me 2 years to graduate. I worked in a hotel for a little over 2 weeks and quit.
4. I've been held up at gunpoint. It sucked.
5. I have 2 friends I've known since I was 10. They are probably plotting my death as I type.
6. I could not possibly live without my local library. I mean they give you books. FOR FREE!
7. I love to dance. I've been known to bust a move in our local grocery store on a busy Saturday, much to Steves dismay.

And on to my favorite Bloggers:

My friend M and her blog of things she likes
Michelle at the Garlic Chronicles
Lindsay at Healthy Stride
Amanda at Busting Through it
Amie at Running on Healthy
Cher at Love Actually
Flabby McGee at Flabby McGee



Oh and I ate a whole Kit Kat bar after lunch. Whoops.

Today:

Coffee with a splash of soy
Bran buds (1 point)
Special K with fruit and yogurt (1 point)
Soy (2 points)
Apple (1 point)
Salmon (3 points)
Lite Mayo (1 point)
Sandwich Thin (1 point)
Carrots (1 point)
Kit Kat (6 points)
Yogurt (1 point)
Home made chicken strips (5 points)
Baked Fries (4 points)
Mustard Dip (2 points)
Grapes (1 point)

Total: 30 points.

Again, I'm hurting for readers of my new blog I don't care too much for money, so if being frugal interests you, please take a look :)

Yes, that is a Cold Sore on my lip

Yes, I have a cold sore. It's big, it's red and I have nick named it Grossness Goo. If one more person in my office asks me about whats on my lip, I might actually have to bust a cap in someones arse! If any of you are the receievers of this wonderfully disgusting virus, you know that they just plain suck. They burn and ooze. I started my Lysine and Vitamin C regiment last night when I felt the tingle, but looks like it still reared its ugly head anyway. *sigh*

I didn't go for my walk at lunch today. I decided to have a lay down in the car as I didn't sleep a lot last night. I shoulda walked. Tomorrow, I promise.

I am still quite amazed I'm 148 pounds, seeing as I've been eating crapola the last 2-3 weeks. My mother thinks it's because no matter how much crap I eat, I still get in my Bran Buds and lots of fiber. Yah for Fiber, Fiber is your friend!

My food today:

Coffee with a splash of soy (I count no points on this as its literally a splash)
1 cup soy (2 points)
1/2 cup Special K Fruit and Yogurt (1 point)
1/3 cup Bran Buds (1 point)
1 All-Bran Chewy Bar EWWWW! (2 points)
2 Hardboiled Eggs (4 points
1 Tsp light mayo (1 point)
1 Sandwhich thin (1 point)
1/2 cup carrots (1 point)
1/2 cup yogurt (1 point)
1 apple (1 point)
Sushi (12 points)

Total: 27 points! Not 20 but thats ok, I just want to concentrate on tracking right now.



This brings me to the All-Bran Chewy Bars. These are honestly the worst fiber like ceral bar I have ever had. Its no chewy at all, it taste like cardboard and the sprinkling of chocolate chips on the top are just insulting. Save yourself $3 and STAY AWAY from the All-Bran Chewy Bars.

Last but not least, I started a new blog a little while ago called "I don't care too much for money." Documenting my journey as a starving student (starting school in September) I would love to have a couple followers so check me out!

Life? Where are you?

Weight: 148 (yesterday at 9 AM)

I've been lazy. Like really really lazy. I've stopped going for my 30 minute power walks at lunch. I've stopped walking for 30 minutes after work. I've eaten take out sushi 4 days in a row now and ate an entire row of rainbow chip cookies last night. Even now my boyfriend is washing the dishes I created while he was away because I'm to lazy to deal with them.

My doctor thinks I'm a little depressed. I'm showing what she says are the most common warning signs: sleeping more then 10 hours a night and still being tired, not washing nearly as often as normal, caring little about ones appearance, fear of leaving the house and well you get the picture. She offered me mediation and I think I snapped a nasty comment at her.

Do I feel depressed? No not really. I sure feel detached, but that's not the same thing. I've officially been accepted to college, and given my tuition deposit, meaning I'll be quitting my job of 4 years in August. Steve and I are working on being a more functional couple and I just sold my money pit of a car (aka Josephine the 2001 Light Green Beetle)

All of these changes have left me feeling like I am watching my life from the outside, almost like I have no power over whats going on. I also find that I don't really care. I don't care that the house is getting filthy, that I'm slightly out of touch with reality, that my laundry pile of clean and dirty now have caves that my cats are borrowing in.

So my gentle readers, when I went to my WW meeting and the lady asked me why there had been little change in my weight in the last month and a bit, I almost told her to *uck off. Terrible. I just mumbled that I didn't know. I do know, and I'm glad I told you all instead. I already feel better :)

Musings of a lonely Weight Watcher

Weight: 149 - I seem to be holding steady at this weight

Body Image: Wearing a very girl outfit and I like how it makes me look

Hair: I've been putting off dealing with my hair for over a month. No Iron, no curly, just ponytail. This disappoints me.

I read a lot of blogs in one day. They vary in topics from Healthy Eating, Frugality, Fitness, Body Image Acceptance and Finding Inner Happiness. I love reading how people feel about food, money, their bodies and their day to day lives. They seem to validate how I feel. Because sometimes, I just don't know how or what to feel. I like stealing peoples viewpoints and making them my own for a moment.

I'm constantly searching. Searching for the right diet, the perfect hair product, fashionable clothing and just the right man. I'm never happy with what I find. Which perpetuates the ongoing cycle. Now I wonder if with all the options available to me, if I'll ever be happy. How could anyone possibly know when they've found the absolutely best option for them? Our society drives us to always want better.

The reason I am wondering this is because I don't know when I'll have found my ideal weight. I am currently a little under 150 and frankly I feel like a fraud. I'm small enough to be considered a "normal" body size but big enough to still feel terribly fat. I'm a total in betweenie. When I drop my drawers, and look in the mirror I know I'm not slim. This is not what a slim body looks like. I should be ok with that shouldn't I?

I want so badly to find a balance between healthy eating and the occasional splurge. My entire day is dominated by food. When I get to eat, what I get to eat, how much I get to eat and where I get to eat. How can one person be so driven by food?

I want to learn to be happy just the way I am no matter the scale. I need to realize that being thin will not bring about eternal happiness and meeting a mark on the scale will not make Unicorns poop rainbows. Whether I am a size 6 or a size 10, I am still me. I know I will still be insecure, I will still feel fat, I will still wonder if everyone is looking at me and think my rolls are unsightly. So honestly, what does it matter? Are 10 pounds the difference between happy and unhappy? Skinny and fat?

Yee Gawds I spent WHAT?!

Alright so I am gearing up for College in September and after calculating my expenses, I realized how much money I spend on miscellaneous food. When I say Miscellaneous food, I mean food that is purchased everywhere but a grocery store. This scares me because a) I am suppose to be DIETING and b) because alot of these purchases I can't really remember! Which means, I am buying this food when I'm not hungry and when I'm bored. I chalk this up to society telling me I should be eating.

Moments I feel like I should be eating when I know I'm not hungry:

- grabbing a coffee at Starbucks (Damn perky Barista asks if I want a pastry and I almost ALWAYS say yes)

- staff meetings (open box of doughnuts in the middle of the table begging to be released into my waiting and hopeful mouth)

- meeting friends for drinks (turns into drinks and appys and then sometimes dinner, why oh why?)

- shopping (I ALWAYS end up buying snacks I don't REALLY want but I feel I deserve)

Not only does snacking whilst taking part in other activities become expensive, I never really enjoy what I ate and sometimes don't even remember. So I saved all the receipts from the last couple weeks (May 3 - Today) and I have spent a whopping $108.07 on miscellaneous food. That's $10.30 a day on food I shouldn't be eating in the first place!!! Here is the list:

$7.50 - Starbucks
$5.73 - Tim Horton's
$18.10 - Toro Sushi (I live ACROSS the street and what I couldn't go home and cook myself dinner? How lazy am I?)
$45.40 - Cactus Club (What was suppose to be just a couple glasses of wine turned into wine with Appys)
$6.92 - McDonald's (I don't even remember what I ate, but the receipt says I ate a Big Mac, Fries and a Diet Coke but I know it lies. I'm telling myself I had a salad)
$4.57 - Orange Julius (No doubt on a high calorie smoothie of some sort)
$7.74 - Starbucks
$12.11 - Sweet Factory (Gahhhhh not Candy again!!! Couldn't possibly have been me!)

This next week, I am really going to concentrate on only eating at home. Having an extra $100 in my wallet would be wonderful, and I know my waistline would appreciate it.

My question to all you bloggers is: Do you find yourself buying food (whether fast food or snacks) you know you shouldn't be eating but justify it in some way?

You've got Mail!

About a month ago, I emailed the infamous Bitch Cakes. She is the blogger who inspired me to blog about my battle of the bulge. Her blog is awesome, with lots of information on her journey, what she eats and the exercise she participates in. I find her ramblings very inspirational and she has a quirky sense of humor I can't help but love. Some of the pictures she's posted have been down right scandalous, and I admire her for it. One picture she posted, was her in a leopard print lingerie set that exposed most of her now svelte figure and it got me thinking about my very jiggly tummy.

So I sent her the following email:

Hey Bitchcakes!

Love your blog. AWE! SOME!

I myself have also lost +60 pounds but I have not been as active as you have. I noticed in some of your pictures that you don't seem to have any loose skin around your tummy. I was wondering when you lost the bulk of your weight if you did have loose skin and if being active helped tighten your skin.

I'm plagued with loose skin around my tummy and would love to be able to feel comfortable in a bikini.

Thank you for your answer in advance,

Cassandra

After one month of waiting (I know she gets flooded with mail) I got this email!

Cassandra-

I hope you forgive the lateness of this reply...

I assure you I DO suffer from this and I hate it. You don't see it in the photos because I am standing upright. If I bend over, it's there and it does bother me. Of course I wouldn't photograph myself from one of those angles, so you don't see it. We are in a similar boat with 60ish pounds lost and quite honestly, other than skin tightening surgery or self-acceptance, I don't think we have another choice.

Sorry I don't have better news for you. Thank you so much for reading though! It's always great to hear that someone enjoys my blog :)

Sheryl aka Bitch Cakes

So there you have it folks. I'm screwed. Self-acceptance it is then. Oh and check out her blog, she's just fabulous you know.

My personal Life is taking over my Life

Hair: Pony tail again. I'm a little stressed out OK?

Weight: funnily enough I've remained at 148.6 for the last 4 weeks now

Body Image: What this old thing?

I've been stressed lately. Stressed and I've not been sleeping terribly well. This paired with my struggle to complete all my outstanding requirements for admission to the CDA program at my local college and my home life in chaos leads me to eat. Luckily it has not yet reflected in my weekly weigh-ins, but I am beginning to think its only a matter of time! My tracking has reflected that I am eating on average 6 points more then I should be. It's not terrible, but will most certainly lead to a gain.

On a positive note, I got my walk in today at lunch, but I ate one of those mini bags of Doritos which was a whopping 5 points for a little itty-bitty bag. It was sooo tasty! I am still eating my delish Vitamuffins and my Bran Buds every morning which I believe is directly contributing to keeping off the extra weight by keeping me regular. Yah for being regular! I am still drinking quite a bit of water as well.



Today I came across this beautiful image on someone's blog. I became quite sad as I began to wonder if I would every feel anything close to what this image portrays. I've been married before, and I remember loving the man I was with, but could I say I loved him like this? You know, that feeling that nothing could part you? Not God, not the Devil himself. Now as I was thinking this my mothers voice popped into my head "My dear, one must be realistic. These days, there is no World War sending all the men to battle. A great High comes with a great Low. Don't be so silly."

I'm wondering if the reason I don't feel all these romantic gushy feelings for Steve, is because he and I have never been placed in a circumstance where we've been forced to part. He and I live together and work together. I see him everyday almost all day. Rarely do we go more then a couple hours without seeing one another. Could it be possible that we have no chance to appreciate each other? I don't know. But I would like to figure it out and soon before I lose my mind.

My question this week is: How do you know when your still in love, when the Rose Colored glasses have come off?

I love my family!

Hair: Lazily pulled into a pony.

Weight: I love my curvy body. We'll just guess and say 145. That would make me happy!

Body Image: I am what I think I am.

My parents have returned from the all their traveling adventures and are back home in Kelowna now. Both my Dad and Mom were in hospital when they were in Arizona which gave everyone quite the scare. I drove up to Westbank (just outside of Kelowna) to stay with them for 5 days on the weekend. I had a great time! I got to see my little niece and nephew, my grown up niece and my step sister. Of course I ate way to much and am terrified to step on the scale!!

We had some lovely meals. My mom cooked a wonderful steak dinner and my niece Andrea made homemade hamburgers with guacamole and salad. I wish I didn't feel guilty about all the food I ate, but that's my relationship with food. I can't just enjoy it, I need to worry how many points are in each mouth full, and usually eat it anyway. This means I didn't track, and I most certainly did not stay on program, but I am remembering that I had a lovely time. Here is a lovely group shot:



Don't you just love the little one's faces?

This week I am still trying very hard to focus on tracking and getting my 30 minute walks in. I feel all thrown off my normal routine because I took a couple days off work, and this always throws me for a loop. Work has been terribly slow, which certainly activates mindless eating. My home life is still all up in the air, but on a brighter note I got accepted into the Dental Program at my local College.

I cannot believe the hoops I have to jump through to complete my admission requirements. They have given me 30 days to get a Dental Exam, Physical Exam, Immunization Records, take CPR and First Aid, complete a Criminal Record Check and get a TB skin test. I'm pulling out my hair just thinking about it. I'm also plagued with this feeling that I could be making the wrong decision. I make pretty good money right now, probably what I'll start making as a Dental Assistant. Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I going to like it? What if I don't and I end up spending 20K on a program I hate and throw away the great job I have now?

If anyone still reads my blog, do you love what you do? Why do you love it and how much schooling did you take? Do you have any regrets?

TGIF!

"If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble." - my coworker Kelly trying to make me laugh, which she did.

Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments. I felt so much better after reading them all. Knowing that there are so many other people on a similar path makes it so much easier to stick with the program, dust off my big girl panties and sham the fuck on. Because I must. Wallowing in my own filthy pity gets me nowhere in a hurry. Coveting thy neighbors thinness will in fact, not make me thin.

I am happy to report I've had a very successful week. I've been very diligent with planning my meals and writing everything down. I have not been stepping on the scale and I have decided I will not weigh in this week at all. I do not want to become obsessed with the number on the scale. Instead of attending my meeting on Tuesday, I will be going in on Saturday morning (tomorrow) and asking them not to tell me my weigh in results. I don't want to get discouraged with a big gain and I don't want a loss to mean I can fall off the band wagon and get away with it.

My mission in the next month is to learn to love my body. I even thought about having a naked month but I do believe that would send my ex-boyfriend who is now my roommate the wrong message. I no longer want to dodge the mirror when I'm naked, but stare at my body adoringly and believe it. I refuse to live my life hating my curves, hiding stretch marks and excess skin. In celebration of my luscious and curvy frame, I took this picture this morning in my favorite outfit at work:



What I looked like 3 years ago: (I'm the brunette) I've posted this pic before, but its the only one I can find from my fat era.



On a similar note I read a very interesting blog I wanted to draw your attention too. The opening line for her blog is "I'm on a mission here to let you know that fat people are not your enemy. And skinny people aren't your enemy either." It's primarily about Fat Acceptance. I know this sounds like an odd topic to bring up on a weight loss blog, especially since everybody reading is aspiring to lose weight. But hear me out. Fat or skinny, tall or short we all want to be loved and accepted. In turn shouldn't we also try and love and accepted the people around us regardless of their dimensions? I honestly wish that through my teen years and adulthood I was not reminded constantly that I was not the ideal size. I mean WTF is the ideal size anyhow? I'll never be the ideal size, whatever it is this week and I want to be accepted for that. So yes, her blog is about fat acceptance, but I think its about body acceptance. So check it out!

Ahhh Phooey!

List of junk I ate this weekend:

Greasy Sausages dipped in Syrup - 4
Hash browns
Pancakes with apple sauce and more Syrup
Sushi - LOTS
1/2 box Mac and Cheese
6 Nummy Vegan Cookies
Large bowl of Lucky Charms
Starbucks Coffee Cake
McDonald's Breakfast Sandwich
Coffee with Cream (GAHHHH!!!!! my weakness)
Starbucks Banana Bread
Pizza 2 slices
Orange Julius
4 Dad's Cookies with Milk
1/2 bag of Maynard's Gummy bears

I wanted to disclose my weight loss history. I decided I was fat in the 8Th grade. I was the new girl at a very cliquey private school. There was a boy named Mike I liked beyond reason. Upon circling my wrist, then the wrist of this blond, conniving trollop not worthy of a name, declared to the class I was fat. I was 145 pounds. The very weight I have been fighting to keep and maintain for most of my adult life.

After high school, I packed on the freshman 15 in my first year of College. I then met my husband of 2 years and continued on to gain 65 pounds in about as much time. I started Jenny when I was 21 after being told by my doctor my weight was out of control. Through my divorce I managed to stay with Jenny and lost a total of 75 pounds. I've maintained this weight for 3 years staying between 150-160 pounds. I've really struggled to loose my "Vanity weight" and get to my goal of 135 pounds.

On my weight loss journey I have had so many weekends like the list above. As far as bad weekends go, this truly wasn't as horrible as I've been in the past. My most memorable binge consisted of not one but two pints Ben and Jerry's, 2 bottles of red wine, 2 big macs, 1 medium meat lovers pizza and a very large greasy Denny's breakfast, all consumed in 1 day. I proudly journaled it in my Weight Watcher book, starred and highlighted the page as WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. No day could ever be as bad as that day.

I stepped on the scale last night, and had a good cry. I've gained 4.4 pounds since my Tuesday weigh-in. I'm 152.4 pounds. That horrible worst day of my life feeling struck again. I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel and saying fuck it. Obviously my inner fat girl wants out more then my inner skinny chick. I woke up this morning wondering why I allow food to have so much power over me and my life. Most of my thoughts in a day are along the lines of "If I eat this, I can't eat that." "It's truly unfair that Melissa eats whatever she likes and never gains a pound!" "I shouldn't have had that doughnut yesterday, but since I did, what difference does it make if I have another?"

Today I am reminding myself that only when I plan my meals, and stick to this plan, do I stop obsessing about food. It's tried and true. This is when I feel in control. I will not dwell on all the icky yucky food I ate on the weekend but remember that I do have a inner Skinny Chick and she WILL beat that Ugly Fat Bitch to a bloody pulp. Today's food plan is as follows:

1 VitaTop Double Chocolate - 1 point
1 cup Multi-Grain Cheerios - 2 points
1/2 cup Bran buds - 1 point
1 cup Lite Vanilla Soy - 2 points

1 Sandwich Thin - 1 point
Turkey Slices 3 - 2 points
1 slice Lite Swiss cheese - 1 point
Mustard - 0 points

Fiber One Chewy Chocolate Bar - 1 point
1 Cup Carrots - 1 point

1 serving Turkey Chili - 8 points

1 Bag WW Kettle Corn - 1 point

Total: 21 points

This is Cass signing off. To a New Day and a New Week. Anything is possible.

Taste not - Want not

Hair: Ponytail as I refused to blow dry or straighten it last night.

Weight: 148.8 Oh God, please can I just wake up skinny?

Body Image: Not as bad as it could be.

I haven't been tracking, I haven't been on program and I absolutely positively have not been putting any effort into my weight loss journey. This always happens when I get under the 150 pound mark and I know why. This weight (150 pounds) is achievable and maintainable for me. It's my safety weight. I fit nicely into a size 8 and I am no longer in the overweight category. I'm comfortable. I know it's hard work and perseverance that will take me to my goal weight but I am so afraid to fail, that I refuse to try.

My goal this next week is to just track. I'm really struggling with this for some reason. If I can just get over this hurtle, I feel the rest will be a piece of cake. I'm finding the last week I've been really hungry for some reason. Its all in my head, I know this but I've been using it as an excuse to unnecessarily over eat. It certainly doesn't help that my personal life is all willy-nilly. Being newly single, but still living with my Ex has certainly been interesting. I'm eating out to get out of the house and going out for drinks a lot more then I would normally. This adds up to a lot of extra points.

I've still been going on my daily walks at lunch (30 minutes of brisk walking) but I have not been walking at all after work. I bought a new laptop on Tuesday, which really has not been assisting with my weightless efforts. A Science Fiction mag in the states bought a short story from me but probably won't be publishing it. They bought the story for optional publication in future issues. This has spurred me on to edit a good portion of my old work for future submission. The down side is there is no way to type and walk. I've been getting terrible RSI in my wrist which I know would benefit from lots of short breaks (I should be going out side and walking around the block)

On a positive note it's the weekend and I am ready for it. Tonight, I have a date with a 7 year old (I Big Sister a little boy with disabilities) I'll be heading to Ikea early tomorrow morning to get a small desk for my bedroom which will provide me with a writing station, sorely needed. My good friend Mike will be helping me do the back up disks for my new laptop later on. I have a dog walking date with a girlfriend for Sunday morning. I have no engagements involving food or alcohol ya me! Have a great weekend everyone :) I'll leave you with a song. Another favorite.

Whoopsie!

If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the answer!

Hair: Pulled back in a clip, but wore it curly most of the weekend. GOLD STAR FOR ME!

Weight: 149! EEEEKKK!

Body Image: I look like a White Chocolate covered Gummy Bear. :(

No matter what I do, I cannot kick this cold. It has hung on like a fat kid to a doughnut. I am open to all your herbal remedies at this point! When I'm sick I tend to feel awfully sorry for myself and ended up self medicating with candy. LOTS OF CANDY. It all started with going to see Alice in Wonderland and going to Sweet Factory to get a "few" sweeties for the movie. I ended up getting a great big bag and ate half the bag during the movie and the second half the next day. I can't even begin to comprehend how many points were in that bag!

I also had 2 large pieces of pizza and a very greasy breakfast over the weekend. Oh and a whole bottle of wine. I have not been tracking the last 3 days (Easter Weekend) and it seems I am suffering from "Being this sick means I can lie in my bed all weekend and eat" syndrome. I did not walk anymore then to and from the couch. Why am I doing this to myself!

Today back at work, I'm starting on a clean slate. I am going to stay within my 21 points and already went for a walk at lunch. I hope to go on one more after work before dinner. I leave you with my motivational song of the day:

New Product Wednesday and Save None Music Video

There is nothing in my refrigerator that will fix a dented fender.

Hair: Still straight, I'm one of those people who don't wash their hair more than once a week

Weight: 148.6!!!!! I am THIN! I am no longer in the OVERWEIGHT CATEGORY!!!!!!

Body Image: but sadly I still feel fat.

My weigh in shocked me yesterday. I have seriously been off plan for a couple weeks realistically. I've still been watching what I eat but I'm not counting points. Boy was I surprised when my leader said you've lost 1.6 pounds for a grand total of 8.8 pounds! This means I have 13.6 pounds to go until I reach my goal weight. I'm terrified though. It is so difficult for me to get below 140. I've only been below 140 twice, once when I was 16 and once when I was 23. Can I do it? Keep in mind I DESPISE excersize. I have a very bad knee from a previous riding accident and I get shin splints like there was no tomorrow. I walk on my lunch breaks everyday for 30 minutes, but I am having a tough time sticking to my night walks 3 times a week. *sigh*



Now for New Product Wednesday. I am in LOVE with Arnold Select Sandwich Thins. Unfortunetly they are not found in Canada. This is another product I pick up over the border and freeze. It's worth every penny and every dirty look from the border guards. They are 100 Calories, 5g of Fiber and 0g fat making them only 1 point. Surprisingly they also taste quite wonderful. I just so happen to be making a sandwich with the Multigrain Sandwich thins today.

Another shameless plug. Save None has just finished their music video. For all you new readers out there, Save None is a local band (Vancouver, BC) playing tunes at some of the clubs here. They have an album called "Always, Never" and they are KICK ASS. Please check out their music video and website. If you REALLY like them, I'll send you a CD.

Monday Meanderings

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.

Hair: I straightened it against my better judgment *sigh* It rained!

Weight: 150.8 pounds (last night before dinner)

Body Image: Feeling like a spring lamb (I even frolicked to the car this morning)

I love spring. Something about this time of year warms my heart and soul. The weather changed numerous times on the weekend, from blinding sun to wind storms to sheets of rain. Nothing compares to having the weather match your mood, and lord knows I'm moody by nature. I must take more pictures when I'm out on my nightly walks. Last night Steve and I saw a floating object in the air that looked an awful lot like a drifting Ogopogo. Everyone I tell thinks I'm off my rocker.

I've been pretty much off program this week. I had a horrible sore throat for 3 days that kept me sleeping for the better part of the weekend. I did go over the border on Saturday to grab a bunch of "diet food" they don't sell here in Canada much to my dismay. I spent an obscene amount of money on food, but justified my purchases for the greater good of my waist line. My weigh in is tomorrow, and I do not expect anything more then a small gain. I predict +0.8.



I know its not New Product Wednesday but....I have a new favorite food that I have been buying in Blaine, WA. I love it sooo much that I am willing to sit in the border line up for 1 hour both ways to buy it. Hostess makes 100 calorie cupcakes in packs of threes. Each package has 3g of fat and 5g of Fiber making them only 1 point on Weight Watchers. I bought the only 2 flavors they had at Cost Cutters (Chocolate Cake with Creamy Filling and Cinnamon Streusel Coffee Cakes) YUM YUM YUM.



On the boyfriend front, Steve and I have still been spending quite a bit of time together, but on a platonic level. I'm going to stop talking to my friends about Steve, I don't think they need to know and quite frankly I think their theories are flawed. Both Steve and I never dated, we just fell into our relationship. We moved in together very quickly and I did what I always do, became another man's mother. I have this problem where I do EVERYTHING for the person I'm with instead of asking for help when I need it. My mother says I train my men to be lazy and I know I do.

Now I think we are courting each other again, and I quite like it. We spent Friday night on the floor of our kitchen drinking terrible wine and laughing about nothing. I had a lovely time. I no longer want to think about whether or not we're in love, if we are good for each other or if we are making each other happy. I just want to live moment to moment. I'm young, I don't have to have all the answers and I'm not in the running yet for marriage or a family.

My goals for this week are:

- Track everyday no matter what I eat this includes Bites, Tastes and Licks
- Walk for 1 hour after dinner 3 times
- Walk 30 minutes on my lunch break each day

New Product Wednesday and Shameless Band Plug

Hair: wavy curly wish it wasn't so frizzy kinda messy thing. The picture is above.

Weight: Weigh-in was 150.2!

Body Image: For some reason I'm feeling kinda off today

I was very surprised to weigh in last night and find out I'd lost 2.2 pounds! I'm finally where I was last summer. I cannot believe that my massive binge on Wednesday did not effect my weight or all the drinking I did on Tuesday. I think the Weight Watcher gods were smiling on me for once. To celebrate I went for a walk after dinner and cuddle with my cats for 2 hours of Lost.

I still haven't figured out what the hell to do about Steve. We've been together for a little over 2 years and I have a sneaking suspicion I'm just not in love with him any longer. I can't seem to decide if I am ready to let go though. I know he loves me so much and I loved him so much not so long ago. Good men are hard to find, but do I want just any good man?



I tried 2 new products this week. The first I'm sure has attributed to this weeks weight loss. It's called True Lemon and it taste just like fresh squeezed lemon. It has 25% of your daily requirement of Vitamin C and certainly shakes things up with your water intake. Cost $6.99



The other item is Splenda Flavours for Coffee. I bought French Vanilla and Hazelnut. Both taste awesome! I use them in my Lattes on the weekend and boy are they tasty. Cost $6.29


And now for my shameless plug! Support your local bands! Ok well MY local band. I work with the drummer and seen them play a couple shows. Check out their my space, listen to their tunes. I have extra CDs so if you like their music...I MAY even send you a free CD.


http://www.savenoneband.com
http://www.myspace.com/savenone

Adam and Eve...and Steve?

Hair: Old school Redken Ringlet and Curl Keeper, Rockin the beach waves

Weight : Scale said 149.8 but I was stark naked and didn't eat that much yesterday, so it lies.

Body Image: Feel pretty hot!!

I've had lots going on in my personal life the last week. Steve and I are taking a break from our relationship and I've moved into the other room. My dad is in the hospital with Pneumonia and work has been difficult the past week. All of these have added up to me not tracking and not staying on program.

I had the biggest binge fest on Wednesday. I haven't pigged out like that in a long long time. Literally everything that was food in the vicinity went into the big gaping hole called my mouth. I was plagued with guilt afterwards and felt like a total idiot for doing something to sabotage my journey towards weight perfection. I've been making better choices since that night, but I still haven't been tracking. The scale says I've lost weight, but I don't believe that to be accurate.

The last few months, Body Image has been a big concern for me. I believe many of the reasons I sabotage my relationships are due to how I feel about myself at the time. My weight started to creep up around November/December and I started to feel unattractive and undesirable. I fell into the habit of coming home from work and crashing on the couch (usually involved eating as much as I could find). Both Steve and I were unhappy with our jobs and we were arguing a lot. I had no outlet for my stress and I was miserable.

When I started to work out, watch what I was eating and turn myself around, I felt better about myself and my body. Unfortunately, this caused problems with Steve because he was still in the same place I had been. My attitude had improved, but his had not. We were no longer having joint pity parties. Now can we meet each other in the middle? Is that possible?

Drama, Drama

Hair: second day waves

Weight: 153.4 (beer, beer and more beer)

Body Image: I was hot last night, does that make me hot this morning?

The last week and a half has been debauchery at its finest. This new little endeavour has been costing me points left right and center unfortunately. I hate using my flex points for liquids. This is stunting my weight loss considerably. The irritating thing is I KNOW its not a good idea to be playing games behind my boyfriends back, and I certainly know its a bad idea drinking my weight in beer, but I just can't help myself. It's like I thrive on the drama.

Last night my best friend and I watched a band called Save None perform at the Roxy in downtown Vancouver. If you haven't heard of Save None, you should go check out their website at www.myspace.com/savenone and have a listen to some of their singles. I got all gussied up and I thought I looked mighty fine if I do say so myself. I had 4 beers, way more then I planned but it's hard to say no when someone is buying you drinks. I had such a great time! I love going out and feeling my age, living it up while I'm still old enough to kick it. But I have to find a happy medium between going out and sticking to plan.

My weigh in yesterday went alright considering I drank lots of beer twice on the weekend. I gained .4 pounds which put me at 153.4. This week I am going to try to be a lot more diligent with tracking and not drink an ounce of booze. Hopefully I'll also figure out what the heck I'm doing in my personal life.

Over Eating

Hair: wavy puffy ponytail thing

Weight: 154 (but but but.....yeah I'm eating to much)

Body Image: I'm not where I need to be but thank God I'm not where I used to be (My favorite quote pretty much covers how I'm feeling today)

This week has been rough for no other apparent reason than I'm allowing it to be. I haven't been feeling 100%, it's been pouring rain from sun up to sun down, I've been losing orders left and right at work and I'm falling very far behind on house work. Normally I wouldn't let this pull me down, but this week I've been using it as an excuse to self medicate with extra food. Since Monday I've been eating 5 extra points on top of my 22 point allowance and I have no desire to do anything about it this week. In an effort to at least feel good about something other then my weight loss (which is NOT the center of the universe) I'm listing 5 items I truly believe I could not live without on my weight loss journey.

1. Bran Buds - My family is completely, totally and utterly plagued with constipation. Everyone thinks this is pretty funny, but if you were bloated and unable to use the loo all the time, you wouldn't think it was funny. I keep the bran buds singles in my purse at all times. With 9 grams of fiber per bag, they are essential!

2. Baby Carrots - Sweet, crunchy and satisfying. I eat at least a cup a day, sometimes more.

3. Bodywise Bagels - I also eat one of these a day. Only 2 points and way better then the Weight Watcher Bagels. Just lovely with a tablespoon sugar free jam and low-fat peanut butter.

4. Vitasoy Lite Vanilla Soy - I have a cup with my cereal and use it in my tea throughout the day. It's sweet and totally kills sugar cravings.

5. Jolly Time Kettle Corn Mini Bags - Only 1 point but very filling and satisfying.

What are your must have food items?

Here's to the weekend everyone! Remember life is not about dieting, but living healthy and being happy.

Old Pictures and New Product Wednesday!

My weigh-in last night went just the way I thought it would. I lost .2 pounds which is attributed to the fact I went pee right before my weigh in. I know my choices on the weekend are affecting my weight loss tremendously. All my flex points are being used in 2 days causing me to feel very bloated on Monday. My goal this weekend is to stay with in 30 points both Saturday and Sunday, only using 8 flex points each day.

Last night I was going through some of my old emails and I came across some pictures of my bridal shower in 2004 (I was 20) and the shots from when I tried on my wedding dress. I was somewhere between 220-230 pounds in these pictures. I cannot stress how miserable I was when I was at this weight. I couldn't go up stairs without holding the banister and often had to stop halfway. My sex life was dull because neither my ex-husband or I could muster up enough energy to make it interesting. My blood pressure and cholesterol were that of an overweight 50 year old. I hated having my picture taken and had lots of trouble finding clothes to fit me.






The picture below is my favorite picture of me. I'm the one in the red tank top, black pants. I just so happen to be at my lowest weight ever of 138 pounds. I was single at the time and had left my husband of 2 years 4-5 months earlier. I had stopped eating much for most of this time, convinced I would never find another man if I was fat. Unfortunetly because I was starving myself, it was very hard to keep up once I became comfortable in a relationship. Now that I am on Weight Watchers I find I am learning to eat properly without starving myself silly.



While cruising around online yesterday I came across something new that I just had to try. They are called VitaMuffins and VitaTops. They both pack 5-7g of fiber and just 100 calories making them only 1 point each! I tried both the Deep Chocolate Top and the CranBran Muffin and both are very tasty and filling for only 1 point. In Canada they are sold in Safeway, IGA and Shoppers Drugmart. One box of 4 is $4.98. My freezer will never been seen without these bad boys again. I've been buying the 1 point Weight Watcher Bars and find them small and unsatisfying. These new Muffins will now take there place.

New BBQ and pondering

Hair: straight

Weight: 153 pounds (so much for staying on program)

Body Image: pretty darn good if I do say so myself

I had a great weekend! Friday night Steve and I did our cheap take out (I got sushi, he got A&W) and vegged out to season 5 of Angel. Saturday started off a little shaky as Steve and I got into a large argument but I believe it turned out for the best. Babysitting Saturday night went well although me and some Mac & Cheese ended up having an affair. Whoopsie. Once the little ones were in bed, I watched P.S. I love you for the second time. In between blotting away my tear stained face and blowing my nose, I wondered why women do this to themselves. Men like that don't exist!

Steve and I spent the better part of Sunday assembling our new BBQ. For anyone who hasn't had the pleasure, pay the $50 fee to have it assembled for you. We were inches away from throwing in the towel and *almost* strangled each other. Four hours later, we grilled up a couple chicken breasts with BBQ sauce and we were pretty happy with each other. Would I do it again? Hell no.

I ate more then I would have liked on the weekend, but when I totaled it all, I was under my flex points. I really do hate using all my flex points because I feel like I've cheated! Alas, my pants felt loose this morning so something must be going right. My weekly weigh in is today and I'm actually excited! I don't think I lost much probably a couple ounces but I want to get motivated for this week.

Since I lost the bulk of my weight 3 years ago (I was 225 and got down to 160 on Jenny Craig) I have been thinking about getting a tummy tuck. My poor body has been through the ringer when it comes to weight fluctuations over the years. Now at 153, hoping to get down to 140, I have been quite stable (staying within 150-160). Would a tummy tuck be an appropriate award for getting down to 140 and staying there for a year? Will a tummy tuck finally make me feel better about my body?

Weigh in and New Hair

Hair: Finally bleached blonde again and bone straight thanks to Jen my basement stylist

Weight: 153.4 (weighed in at WW at 153.8)

Body Image: Somewhere between red and yellow (whatever THAT means)

Soooo...I weighed in at Weight Watchers on Tuesday night and lost 2.2 pounds! I'm back on track. The 140's are just around the corner. I haven't been under and stayed under 150 for at least 2 years. My pants are already loose and I'm beginning to notice how much less bloated I look, just with 5 pounds lost. Now I'm getting excited to stay On Program and watch the weight come off. I will get to my goal weight and I will keep it off this time!

My friend Emma always asks me what I eat everyday to keep in my 22 point allowance. Generally, I am a pretty boring menu planner. I eat the same breakfast, lunch and afternoon snack everyday. The only meal that changes for me would be my dinner. This allows me to always know how many points I have for dinner and snacks after dinner. I am also a firm believer in structure and taking the guess work out of my meals while I'm at work which monitors my mindless eating. My days look like this:

Breakfast: 1/3 cup Bran Buds (1 point), 1/2 cup Multi-grain Cheerios (1 point), 1/4 cup chopped strawberries (.5 points) and 1 cup Light Vitasoy (2 points)

Lunch: 2 slices Bodywise multigrain bread (1 point!), 3 slices fat-free Turkey Breast (2 points), Lettuce (0 points), 1 slice low-fat pizza Mozerlla (1 point), 1 Tbl Light Mayo (1 point)

Snack: Weight Watcher Mini-Bar (1 point), 1/2 cup baby carrots (1 point)

Example of my dinner (I had this last night): Spicy Cheezy Enchilada made with low-fat kraft shredded cheddar and mozerlla and ground turkey (8 points but I had a big piece), fat free sour cream (1 point)

Snack: Jolly Time Popcorn (2 points)

Total points used: 23 (Had a 30 minute brisk walk at lunch which earned me 1 activity point which I added onto my day)

On the hair front, I am now beautifully blonde again after my short stint as a red head. I LOVE it. My hairdresser Jen does such an amazing job and I absolutely love what she does. I can never get my hair this bone straight myself and I honestly wish my a hair always looked like this! She is truly a miracle worker. The picture attached is me with my new blond hair at work.

The Wii Fit and Looming Weigh in

Hair: sporting the Obi Wan Kenobi half up half down look

Weight: 153.4 (Begging to the Gods of weight loss this is how I weigh in tonight!)

Body Image: Better than yesterday!

Last night I was extremely lazy with my hair. I am getting my hair coloured and cut tomorrow, so I just didn't feel like curling or blow drying. I went to bed with wet hair. I woke up looking like a lion, a very disgruntled lion. It's a wonder Steve didn't run yelling and screaming from our bedroom. I took the dreaded straightening iron to my hair and yanked it into something manageable which now resembles something a male character from Lord of the Rings (particularly Legolas) use as their everyday hairstyle. On a positive note, I used the Jessicurl Hair Cleansing Cream last night and it lathered! I found it really gentle this time, and Steve said my hair smells really nice.

I really want to buy some more hair products. I am dieing to try some of the Curl Junkie and Kinky Curly products. Alas, I must hold myself back until my bank account recovers from last months birthday parties and the Olympics. Just because the shop is having a sale, it doesn't mean I need to buy. I need to keep chanting that to myself.

I bought Wii Fit off of a coworker yesterday and tried it out last night. I am a little disappointed that only the Wii Fit Plus tells you how many calories you've burned so I had no way to gauge how much work I really did. I played around with Yoga, some Running, a little Hula-hooping (OMG what a work out) and balance games. I'm happy to say I'm a little sore this morning. I must say I was a little upset to discover the Wii says I'm in the overweight category even though I knew this already. I would have to lose 17 pounds to reach Wii's ideal BMI of 22. This is my goal at Weight Watchers anyhow.

So tonight is the big weight in! I shouldn't say big because I am subjecting myself to this scrutiny every Tuesday. Wish me luck Cyber Space :)

Canada Wins GOLD!

Hair: Ponytail AGAIN

Weight: 153.8 (first thing in the AM....not a good sign)

Age: 25

Height: 5ft 5"

Points allowed: 22

Body Image: at an all time LOW

Steves birthday was on Saturday night and the good news is I had my allotted 6 glasses of wine. The bad news is I ate WAY to much at Memphis Blues (we ordered the Memphis platter) and I had a glass of honey lager at the last bar we went to. I will pat myself on the back for drinking lots of water while we were out, which I am sure prevented me from having a terrible hangover the next day. I babysat 2 little ones for the Gold Medal game, which of course did not interest a 1 year old or a 3 year old. It was lovely to look after both of them and not have a pounding headache!

I am really struggling with my body image right now. I took some pictures of myself naked last night so I can document the way my body looks now at this weight, and then I'll do the same when I'm hopefully 20 pounds lighter. Its been a long time since I stood in front of a mirror in my birthday suit and actually stared at myself. I was very upset with what I saw. My stomach has so much loose skin from when I reached my heaviest (225 pounds when I was 20) and I have stretch marks on my thighs, breasts, arms and stomach.

I am very worried I will never lose my stomach. It looks like I was pregnant at one point! I am angry at myself for allowing my body to get to this point and disappointed in myself that I did not have the willpower to stay at my goal weight of 138. Not only did I spend half of last night beating myself up about my appearance naked, I finished off the evening with a piece of cake, which of course only made me feel worse.

This morning when I left my very very drunk boyfriend passed out on the couch to head to work, I still felt guilty about everything I ate and drank this weekend. I struggle very much with public outings and staying on program during them. Steve called me at work and told me we will avoid outings for a while, but I feel like this does not fix the problem, it only avoids it. I need to learn how to eat out without eating EVERYTHING at the table.

To end my 3 paragraph pity party, I will summarize the positives:

• I went grocery shopping last night and bought lots of healthy choices for the week


• I had a delicious healthy breakfast (1/2 cup cheerios, 1/3 cup bran buds, 1/4 strawberries, 1 cup soy milk) which fills my up until lunch and I love fresh strawberries


• I got lots of compliments on my hair Saturday night


• My skinny jeans actually looked skinny! My best friend Emma said they looked stunning!


• I bought a Wii Fit off a co-worker and plan to use this every other day

I meant to post about my hair on Saturday night also. I used Rockin Ringlets, Confident Coils and a little bit of Pantene Curls Gel. I used about 4-5 quarter sized dollops of Rockin Ringlets and 3 blobs of Confident Coils. My hair was a bit crunchy so I scrunched out the crunch. I got lots of compliments on it at the restaurant, but I thought it looked really frizzy! I only have a little bit of Rockin Ringlets left...and I'm worried I might want to buy more. The picture of me and Steve at Saskatchewan house last week (picture above) was the same combination, and it seemed like it had more volume and less frizz.

Poor Steve is very hungover today and thanking the gods above that he booked today off at work. Work is dead due to the Gold Medal Win of Team Canada at the Olympics last night. I have never been so proud to be Canadian. Driving home last night I had a beautiful view of the mountains and people were on the street high-fiving and hugging. The atmosphere here in Vancouver is just bursting with pride. Way to go Team Canada!

Saturday Morning

Hair: Ponytail due to frizz
Weight: 152.2
Age: 25
Height: 5 Ft 5"
Points allowed: 22

OMG! Got on the scale after breakfast with Steve and his mom and I'm at a *light* 152.2! I'm very happy. I bought a pair of skinny jeans yesterday at Walmart for $15 bucks and they look loverly.

I had a light breakfast as far as eating out goes, but still managed to consume 12 points. I ate 2 eggs scrambled, 2 pieces of dry toast and a small fruit bowl. Oh and some coffee with splenda. Again, I am affirming to only have a light meal at the BBQ house and a total of 6 glasses of wine.

I did nothing with my hair again this morning. I pulled it into a ponytail and wore a headband to hide the frizz. Why oh Why do I not have straight hair???? *sigh*

Icky Morning Hair

Hair: Ponytail due to frizz
Weight: 154.4 (Weighed in at bathroom scale at 10 PM before bed)
Age: 25
Height: 5 Ft 5"
Points allowed: 22

Last night before I went to bed, I put in Pantene Curls Gel to *hopefully* make second day hair possible for me. When I woke up, my curls were not only frizzy, but straightening out. I tried spraying my hair with some water and diffusing, but it just made it worse. So up in a pony tail it went.

It's Steve's (my boyfriend and live in dish slave) 31st birthday tomorrow. I had some success with Jessicurl Rockin Ringlets with Confident coils and some Pantene Curls Gel for hold last weekend, and will be trying this combo tomorrow but without the Gel and more Confident Coils to see if they will provide more hold. I really really want to like the Jessicurl products!

I tried her Hair Cleansing Cream last weekend, and didn't like how there was no lather. I am programmed to believe that if there is no lather, my hair is not clean. When I did style my hair, I didn't notice that it was weighed down or still dirty, so it must have worked. The Too Shea! Extra Moisturizing Conditioner was OK, but I don't think it was anything special.

I'm looking forward to going out for sushi tonight for dinner by myself and do some shopping. Since I left my ex-husband I have noticed that I love my time alone. I like eating out alone, I like shopping alone, I like reading at Starbucks alone and I love watching movies alone. Steve is heading to a bar to watch Canada vs Slovakia and in an effort not to twice in one weekend, I have opted to stay home and I am very happy about my choice!

Just to re-affirm my goal for tomorrow evening: I will have 2 glasses of wine at Memphis Blues and will stop eating when I'm no longer hungry (NOT FULL!) I will have 4 glasses of wine at the bar, alternating between water and wine. I will not eat any pizza or snacks afterwards on the walk to the sky train or when I get home.

Experiment #1 - Boots with AG Re:coil

I got my Boots Curl Creme in the post yesterday! I also order my favorite tea PG Tips that my friend in England got me hooked on along with some Walkers crisps for Steve. I was VERY excited this morning to try this miracle creme that lots of people on naturally curly SWEAR by.

My hair routine normally takes me 45 minutes from the minute I step in the shower to dry hair. I low-poo with Live Cleans Pink which is a sulphate free shampoo found in most drugstores in Canada for the bargain price of $8, followed with Live Cleans Pink conditioner. I find there shampoo very gentle and removes all product build-up. The conditioner is nothing special, but provides good slip and my hair seems to be quite happy with it at the moment.

I use a wide toothed comb to brush out my hair in the shower, with lots and lots of conditioner in my hair. I rinse thoroughly, finger combing any remaining tangles out. Today, I decided to try the boots curl creme with a little bit raked through and a little bit scrunched in with Re:coil over top for some hold. Boots has a very weird consistency, almost like a paste. I rubbed a little between my hands to emulsify and raked through. Then scrunched in a little as well.

Some people have complained about the smell of this product. I have almost a non-existent sense of smell, so I had to ask the man of the house. Apparently its a little perfumey, but once I put it into my hair and it dried, the smell was pleasant.

After I applied the Boots Curl Creme, I used about 3-4 blobs of Re:coil scrunched into my hair. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have soaking wet hair to apply this product. It is very thick and will distribute evenly when hair is dripping. I then used one of Steve's old t-shirts to scrunch out as much water left in my hair as possible. I then diffused for about 15 minutes.

My hair started to look frizzy when it was 80% dry, so I applied some of my tried and true product Curl Keeper. For those of you who have never used it, its a very runny product that tames frizz like no other. I have gone through 3 1L bottles in the last 2 years. There are a few things I don't like about Curl Keeper though. It provides limited hold, it tends to reduce volume (I work hard for the little bit of volume I get) and its about $50 for 1L. I have been trying to find other cheaper and more readily available alternatives, but so far I've been outta luck.

Now at 9:30 AM my hair is still kind of fuzzy in places the Curl Keeper didn't make it, but I do have some nice ringlets probably due to the Re:coil. I don't think the Boots did anything but I think on the weekend I will try it without any other product. I really want to see what this product can do! After all, I paid $40 in shipping to get it from England to Canada. I'll post a picture when I get home.

On a side note, I am also back on Weight Watchers. I was getting awfully close to the 160 pound mark and it was freaking the hell outta me. My first weigh in was 158.4, second at 155 and my weigh in on Thursday was 155.4. When I got my shipment from England I ordered some of my favorite Fox's biscuits and managed to polish most of those off between Tuesday and Wednesday. Now with those outta the way (haha ha), I have to get through Steve's birthday on Saturday night without eating or drinking to much. I'll be happy to weigh in at 155 again.

For anyone who has been on a diet (which these days is every women I know) the first couple of weeks can be plagued with hunger. I am certainly past the hunger pains, but I still love to boredom eat. I sit at a desk for 8 hours of the day, with lots of time to dream of cookies and cake. My goal between this week and next is to only have 2 glasses of wine with dinner and 2 glasses at the bar afterwards. We are going to a very good BBQ house for dinner and I want to only eat enough to be full and no more. I'll let cyber space know how it goes :)